The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 2

The Internet loves lists. Although it makes me feel like gnawing my arm off in the morning and she is a whore who gets around worldwide, I love the internet.

So the Creeper Report is taking list form. Ten things on my mind regarding fantasy football, real football and the world in general.

I am pioneer of the 10 by 10 poem, after all, and I need to know where to stop and start.

#1 4-0, You Punks

I'm following up on my best fantasy football season ever. All four teams made the playoffs and two won it all. I made more money than I spent for the first time ever. Maybe I've learned how to draft. Maybe I've learned not to overthink.

I won all four games this week. The tightest match was won with a combination of Golden Tate and Joique Bell. Calvin Johnson helped me win another.

Warning.

Warning.

My two teams that didn't win it all last year were quarterbacked by Matthew Stafford and tanked at the end of the year when he did.

I say to the Lions like Cheech once said to his cheeks: "Keep it together."

#2 Steve Smith is Still a Beast

I thought Steve Smith was getting old and starting to disappear. He kept getting quieter and quieter in Carolina.

In his 14th year and with a new team, Smith is not being gentle. He tells Pacman Jones to go make it rain someplace else and stay out of his way.

I added him on a couple teams. If Joe Flacco wants to throw 62 times a game, Smith has a spot on the Creepers.

#3 Another Story about the Ravens

And here's my obligatory Ray Rice mention:

Amazing it took over half a year for the public to see video from inside the elevator when the feed from outside the elevator was available instantly. Someone was concealing evidence and the NFL was not pushing hard enough to find it.

I'm shocked that Roger Goodell went from the No Fun League's Grand Inquisitor to a wrist slapper in just a few years. He's like the dad that wore himself out disciplining his eldest child and lets the youngest do whatever.

How do you make a disciplinary decision without seeing that video? You know it's someplace. You run a multi-billion dollar corporation. Use your weight.

But after everyone messed up at least a little, the right thing has been done. Ray's out of the sport and the league is mobilized against domestic violence like they'll be saving the tatas in October.

#4 Pickups this Week

In addition to grabbing Steve Smith if he's available, I like Justin Forsett at least a little this week. With only a few days before facing Pittsburgh, I think he stays hot and Bernard Pierce takes a few more days to get out of the doghouse.

Kelvin Benjamin did good with Derek Anderson at QB. With Cam Newton coming back, he should do better.

Markus Wheaton will find space opposite Antonio Brown and Ben Roethlisberger is bringing Pittsburgh's offense back around.

Ahmad Bradshaw just won't stay down. From cracked feet to neck surgery, Bradshaw has seen a lot of Ps and Qs with some Os. Yet here he is, with 85 yards on 8 touches against a much improved Broncos' defense. He gets Philly this week. If he stays healthy and Trent Richardson slips, he could get 20 touches or more a game. He can still break tackles and outrun defenders.

#5 Things I don't Believe

Neither Ben Tate, Terrance West or Isaiah Crowell emerge as an important fantasy back unless two are hurt.

Allen Hurns will not bust long touchdowns every week. 4 catches on 9 targets? Almost invisible in the second half? I don't trust deep-ball dependent receivers. I don't like whack-a-mole.

The NFL and NFLPA will not radically restructure their drug legislation in the middle of the season. They'll do it, but not until they have time to focus on it. Too many arguments over the details will keep this from going down until the offseason. So don't expect Josh Gordon's suspension to go bye-bye that fast.

I won't be trading Percy Harvin for Larry Fitzgerald and Keenan Allen. Not only do I believe Percy is set to have a huge year, but I roll deep at receiver. I don't need to divide one great receiver into two good ones. But thanks for asking.

I have a side-bet in the East Crown league with a co-worker over which one of us earns the most total points this year. I asked him today what's that guy with mismatched shoes that scores field goals. "A kicker?" he replied. I told him he should own one. Trying to beat me in points with no kicker on the squad? I'm ahead by 29, so far.

#6 Why did Andy Grab Josh Gordon in Every League?

I look up and a buddy in three of my leagues snaked Josh Gordon in each one of them. He's one of the savviest FF players I know. The best sportswriter in the world not writing about sports. When he speaks, he delivers opinion, history and stats without a teleprompter or even thinking about it.

So when he does something like that, I wonder what he knows that I don't. Hours later, I hear about the possible restructure of the NFL drug policy. Oh, that's what he knows.

I don't think it will happen soon enough, but Andy will be ready if it does.

#7 Defenses I Like

I like Philly against the Jags last week and it was a good idea in the second half. Versus Indy this week? Not so much.

So Philly's getting dropped. I like Houston against Oakland, not just because I like picking on the Raiders. Only partly.

I like Green Bay against the Jets. Geno Smith will turn it over against a pissed-off Packers' team. They don't like what Seattle just did to them.

I like Arizona against the Giants. Eli Manning and his squad looked really sloppy. Arizona, despite all the losses on defense, looked good. Larry Foote was flying around, making plays and leading the troops. It didn't look like the Cardinals were weak at ILB.

I even like Tennessee against Dallas. This could go one of two ways. Tony Romo could be cracked and throw more ugly, early interceptions. Or, he could get the air power going for about 95% of the game before blowing it at the end. Do what your gut says.

#8 Percy

Since the moment Seattle traded for Percy Harvin, I've been excited to see how he would open up the Seahawks' offense. After jet sweeps and read options against Green Bay, you can see how disruptive Harvin in motion can be. Him in a wing formation behind Russell Wilson is making 31 defensive coordinators seasick this week.

Double digit touches weekly? I think so, with about 10% of them going big. A good thing for Marshawn too. The rest of Seattle's playmakers will split the other third of the ball, however. Jermaine Kearse and Doug Baldwin will be an occasional flash.

#9 Michael Sam Just Needed a Lousier Defense

Michael Sam got drafted onto one of the best defensive lines in the game. He stood little chance of making the Rams' team. Already they had 8 defensive linemen likely to make the team.

Give him a chance on a horrible defense? Presto, he has a job. And he deserves a shot. He works hard. And he did it the right way.

Just when NFL teams were getting over the Super Bowl and thinking about the draft, Sam stepped up and said: "No surprises. Draft me knowing that I'm gay." By the time rookie camp was starting, all the media blah-blah had died down a little and it was mostly about the football.

ESPN wouldn't stay out of his shower, but that's what they do.

#10 When You've Been in the Restaurant Business Too Long...

I called my dog "Corner" the other night.

In the hospitality biz, we say "corner" all the time when walking around a bend so we don't crash into each other. At my job, I need to say it 3 times just to drop off a dirty plate. I say it hundreds of times a week.

I was playing frisbee with my dog at the local middle school. We came around the building. I got the leash out and called him "Corner". Like a good dog, he knew what I meant, forgave me and walked home with me anyway.

Sorry, Oli.

Good luck and happy creepings.

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Green Bay Packers Unpacked

Contributed by Kathe Frahm

Old women don't care much about pre-season games. They have learned don't bother unless it counts... in everything.

Back in the rec room at the home, all wearing Seahawks T-shirts now, the old women troop in with more food than anyone can eat, including the lone old man in the back. They all bring the excitement and nervous laughs that precede every game. But this year, so much more is riding on their expectations. All remember poor showings from former Seahawks teams. They need winners. Old women are familiar with loss. They withstand and endure and soldier on, but that doesn't mean they like it.

The old women comment on their boys that are missing. Golden Tate was a favorite. One woman said Tate was just plain cute. Walter Thurmond too, even though he was a screw up. If you're using drugs, don't get caught.

The women weren't too sure about the Packers. Oh, they thought Aaron Rodgers was kind of nice to look at, especially every time he overthrew a receiver or got sacked. No sympathy here for a kid who was so outclassed by their Russell Wilson. Packers getting any score on the board was met with anxious screams, but with kicker Steve Hauschka's perfect field goal, they calmed down and breathed a sigh of relief that all would be well. Of course again when Steve was in kicking position, many somewhat risque comments were made about his great long legs.

The old women stop talking only when plays are being run. If there are ten women in the room, there are five completely different conversations going around the room. The old man in the back of the room is in on all of it, enjoying his exclusive status. He does have helpful knowledge of the game but the women are quick to shut him down if they think he is showing off or talking down to them. There are limits of tolerance. Old women have much experience with overbearing men and do not suffer them gladly.

He did make one comment about seeing an uncalled Packer foul that made the women howl with laughter. He yelled that he could see the foul and he was miles away.

Marshawn Lynch was just doing his job with Packers hanging off of him. The old women counted the Packer defenders he dragged along with him. Remarks about him earning his pay were common. Yet when he got hit especially hard by the Green Bay defense, one old woman jumped up, hands on ample hips and screamed: “Stop it boys! Don't make me come over there!” A Mom thing.

Cleaning up the room and carefully saving left-over food, the talk was mostly about their Russell and how the California surfer boy, Coach Pete Carroll, still is classy and so good at what he does. Bringing fifty some young men with such passion and egos into a cohesive working and winning force is no small feat for any coach. Carroll has and is succeeding. Some old women know that drive. Some never had it.

The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week One

The Creeper Report returns for its second season. Last year it sprawled and wandered across The Penalty Flag, covering the usual fantasy football topics and including a cigar review and a limerick.

Since then, I've dumped TPF, dabbled with RantSports, and have decided to post it here at Eighty Six the Poet. I'm too late to talk draft strategy, although I've written some articles and slideshows on the topic for Rant.

Drafts have happened. It's time to play the game.

My Leagues

East Crown: My free friends and family league returns, still with a strong representation from the Czech republic. Last year I started 2-6 after drafting Michael Vick then starting Geno Smith and Nick Foles at all the wrong times. With the help of Josh McCown, some crafty pickups and a humidor full of luck, I won every game from Week 9 one and stole the championship. My wife led the league from wire to wire until she tangled with me in the playoffs. Sorry, lasko.

Last year East Crown had 16 teams with huge benches. This year, only 10 teams and a bench of 5. Gotta be shrewd with pickups and drops.

Andy's League: The guy that go me into all this. Some of the players have changed, but I've been in one of his leagues for 8 years. He plays it straight forward with non-funky scoring and no gimmicks. The owners here know what they're doing and are quick to make smart pickups. Last year I made the playoffs, but swirled down the drain with Matthew Stafford.

Nate's League: I've been in this league 3 years now. The scoring is also non-weird, but this was my first exposure to IDP. I'm still not an expert with them. I usually pick a quality guy and stick with him. If he doesn't create turnovers or get sacks or end up in the end-zone this week, he should next week, right? Nate does start 3 WRs and 2 RBs with one flex, so it's important to be a little receiver heavy.

Bethanie's League: I've played with her but never in a league run by her. She's being adventurous with the scoring. Completions are worth 1 point. Carries are .5. Receptions are worth 2. I'm glad I thunked about this pre-draft. It seems obvious to me WRs will outscore RBs and QBs will outscore everyone. So I went Peyton Manning in the first followed by 3 WRs. I may be the only one to change draft strategies radically.

I may have given myself a big advantage. Stay tuned.

So Who Did I Draft?

I stayed with my strategy of loading up on wide receivers and running backs. As usual, I did not draft a defense or kicker and picked a tight end late.

I feel Russell Wilson was heavily undervalued and was happy to take him in the 7th round in every league but Bethanie's. Yes, I'm a Seahawks fan and I love the guy that brought us our first Super Bowl, but I also objectively think he'll have a great statistical year.

I reached for Percy Harvin, too. I hope I'm not a tremendous homer.

I did avoid Marshawn Lynch, who I love but I don't think he puts up huge numbers again.

I was big on Victor Cruz for a bounce-back year and I like Rashad Jennings to flourish with the Giants. I also felt Martellus Bennett was undervalued and was glad to grab him late twice.

The Mess with Wes

What the hell, Denver? So your kicker and slot receiver are both in trouble for substance abuse? Matt Prater and Wes Welker are both out for 4 games. They call Welker's suspension a PED thing because of the amphetamines in his ecstasy, but partying at the Kentucky Derby is partying.

I won't over-react to a breaking news story. Wes says the sample was tainted and he'd never put anything like that in his body. I've always respected him as a hard-working professional who excelled despite not having great measurables. We'll see how it pans out.

But for fantasy purposes, this is good for Andre Caldwell and Cody Latimer. I found them both available in most of my leagues and stashed them despite my preexisting WR depth. Jacob Tamme gets a boost, too. Emmanuel Sanders is no longer a question.

Defenses I Like

Some good teams playing bad ones this week. It's hard to say what defenses outside the marquis few will be any good this year, but calling offenses that are a mile from being decent is not so hard. Jacksonville will not come together soon. Neither will Cleveland or Buffalo, so grab Philadelphia, Pittsburgh or Chicago if they're around.

Philly is starting on every one of my teams.

Who's Running the Rogue Program Now?

After suspensions to Brandon Browner, Walter Thurmond and Bruce Irvin, plus Richard Sherman's successful appeal, folks were muttering about the shady camp Pete Carroll was running in Seattle. Jim Harbaugh even said: "You want to be above reproach, especially when you're good, because you don't want people to come back and say, 'They're winning because they're cheating.'"

With Aldon Smith suspended for 9 games and Ray McDonald becoming the pioneer of Roger Goodell's new domestic violence rules, who's above reproach now? The only noise from Seattle's camp was a made up accusation against Marshawn Lynch. The 49ers have a player beating a pregnant woman and another guilty of DUI, weapons charges and being stupid in an airport.

Reel it in, Coach Harbaugh. This one's getting away.

What did I say about the Seahawks looking more stable than the 49ers? San Francisco fans were all pissed off. Too bad I was right.

Just when I thought the NFC West was going to be the strongest division in football, the 49ers' defense is collapsing, the Cardinals have losses on D and the Rams lose Sam Bradford. Get well soon, Sam. Calais Campbell too.

And Stay Tuned for Next Week

Not too much fantasy football writing to do after the draft yet before the season. Next week I'll have more to work with. I promise to go off on more tangents.

I'll put in some study for the cigar review.

Good luck and happy creepings.

Up the Next Mountain

The next mountain to climb is freelance writing.

My goal: to support my family without a workplace.  After over twenty years of needing a restaurant to earn money, I want an income that is mobile.  Where I work and when I work should be my decision.

I still love the restaurant, but it is time to set my feet wider and achieve balance.  When we decide it's time to physically move the family, I want to take my business with me.  One day, I want my wife to be closer to her family.  I want my kids to study in their second language.  I want a dock and boat in my back yard.

I've made the first move.  In September, I'm going from 5 nights down to 4.  I know I can make enough freelancing to make up for the lost day.  I hope to soon go down to 3 or 2 shifts a week if business will support it.

My Rant Sports football writing income is still a question mark.  I only earn ad revenue and don't see a report on that until two months have passed.  I'm about to go from 4 to 7 pieces a week and I don't know what each are worth.  But of all the things I'm writing about, football is by far my favorite.  Many people make a good living writing and talking about the NFL.  The path to that goal has many stepping stones.

My Bright Hub work has increased and now involves work with College Factual, a university research site.  I also work with Zerys and Writer Access.  Oddly, Zerys started me at ground level and WA saw my work and gave me a 4/5 star rating.  Therefore with WA I can do much higher paying jobs.  Where am I spending my time?

It's been nuts, but things are in motion.  In the last two weeks I've written about the Raiders' potential move to LA, natural back pain remedies, the 2015 Ford Taurus, James Bond inspired cocktails, an Italian restaurant in Cincinnati, fantasy football tips, a fictitious ride in a Bentley Mulsanne and bird hunting in South Africa.  And some other stuff.

Well, time is money and so are words.  Just giving you Vultureheads an update.  Wish me luck on cautiously stepping away from the hospitality business.

And a note of thanks to Freedom with Writing.  They've given me the best and most reliable advice for getting paid to write.  Check them out.  Sign up.

How to Fix a Flat Tire with Popcorn, Coffee and Skittles

On the highway with my two boys, halfway between the pool and the library, I hear that thump-thump-thump sound.

I pull over to the shoulder, put it in park and step out to inspect.  Yep.  Driver's side rear is flat.

My van came originally with run-flat tires so the manufacturer never included a spare.  Not like I wanted to put my gluteus out into 70 mph traffic to jack up the car on a 90 degree day.

AC on and the boys in their car seats, I call roadside assistance.  They'll be there within an hour.  My two-year-old is asleep and my four-year-old is reading books.  Things could be much worse.

My wife is one day overdue to have a baby, but she tells me on the phone there's still no action.  Things could be much much worse.

Help arrives in 45 minutes.  He notes the tire still has a little air in it, so the damage can't be that bad.  I know there's a Tire Rama not far from the next exit.  He pumps my tire full and follows me there.  It's flat when it arrives, but at least we're at a tire shop.

The Tire Rama guys jack up the car and inspect my tire while the boys and I sit in their waiting room eating their popcorn.  I see the coffee pot is empty, but I'm a restaurant professional.  I can make coffee.  I find a filter-bag in the cupboard and set it to brew.

A vending machine sells Skittles, among other things, which is a dairy and gluten free favorite at my house.  I just need change for a dollar.

While I'm explaining my need for Skittles to the man at the front desk, a tech enters and says I need new tires, also.

He shows me two small punctures in the tread and the rubber powder accumulated inside the tire.  He explains the company won't allow him to fix punctures in that part of the tread.  Of course, the van is all-wheel-drive, so all four will need to be replaced.

The tires are less than two years old.  I bought them at Les Schwab.  They should be under some kind of pro-rated warranty, so if I need a new set I'd rather get them from Schwab.

And Les is just a couple miles down the street.  If I could only get there.

I call them.  They say bring it on down and they'll see how much wear is on them.  Then they can decide how much the warranty will cover.

I think I can get a couple miles if I can refill the tire.  The Tire Rama guys say it's not holding anything so that's impossible.  I get back on the phone with Les Schwab.

They say they have a service truck that can come down and help me.  They'll be by in a few minutes.  The Tire Rama tech takes my van off the lift and, with the tire hissing, parks it sideways across three of their parking spots.

Within five minutes, Les Schwab arrives, jacks up the van, inspects the tire and assures me they can fix it.  "They always refuse to fix competitor's tires," he tells me.  Then he says it will be easier to fix my tire at his shop.  He'll be back shortly.

As my van sits jacked up in the Tire Rama parking lot with three wheels, the boys and I return to popcorn, coffee and a magazine about tricked-out trucks.

Twenty minutes later, my tire is back.  He replaces it and takes a picture of his Les Schwab truck in front of the Tire Rama store.

In my best radio voice I say: "Les Schwab.  We'll fix tires anywhere, even in the competition's parking lot."

I thank him and he cruises off.  The boys and I head out, short three hours of our lives and 50 cents of Skittles.  We make it to the library six minutes before it closes.  Moral victory.  We grab two books and head home.

Who am I going to next time I have car trouble?  Duh.

At the end of it I have to say my boys were wonderful.  I can't thank them enough.  Never a complaint, whine or tear from either of them despite the fact that none of us wanted to be there. I was bored and frustrated to the point of freakishness, but they kept me on track.

Just had to say something about my experience with Tire Rama and Les Schwab.