Blog Flash 2013, March 5: Health

Step right up to learn the secret recipe for the salubrious, funk-doobiest, some think dubious but guaranteed falubrious 46 Ounce Vegetable Bomb.  Proven to cure colds, flu, hayfever and any kind of nasal congestion.

I keep the ingredients around all the time in case I need a blast.  Experience has taught me that when you feel that little itch in your throat, when you get a little stuffiness in your head, when everyone around you is getting sick, you need to attack the germs, viruses and other assorted ick while you are still stronger than they are.

My favorite battle in the war on illness: the 46 Ounce Vegetable Bomb.  Simple, inexpensive and proven effective.  A couple months ago every human in my house had the flu.  Near the end of a night of work, I started getting that feeling.  When I got home, I took one of these, went to bed and woke up cured.  I can confidently say I had the flu for about an hour.

Construction:

• Open one 46 ounce can of vegetable juice.  Store brand will do.  You should be able to get one for much less than two bucks.
• Add as much of your favorite hot sauce as you can stand.
• Add some more.
• Pour over ice.
• Consume all at once.
• Don't make any plans.

It will make you feel worse before it gets better.  Your gastrointestinal system will not like it, but your sickness will like it less.  Whatever bugs are in you will shout "this %$^&$%^& is crazy!" and flee the scene.  After a nap or a good night sleep, you will be cured.

I'm not a real doctor, but I think the megadose of fluids, vitamins and spice combine to clean your body.  I'm a big fan of spicy soups to clear congestion.  All that nastiness up in your sinuses is where germs thrive and reproduce.

If you really like the idea of microscopic creatures having a sex party in your head, leave the mucus up there.

Trust me.  It hurts but it works.  I've woken up with a cold, had one of these, and gone to work at 4pm cured.

You should ask my wife about her Czech Garlic Soup.  Also a potent weapon.

I never get sick.  I tell people that, they think I've jinxed myself, and then I never get sick.  Above all, I believe in will power.  I'm never sick, tired or stressed.  That's almost true because of my mind-set.

Think of how tiny those little germs, viruses and bacteria are.  How gigantic and powerful are you in comparison?  Crush them, for they are weak.