Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Preseason Edition

Contributed by Kathe Frahm

The old women will again come to the rec room. It won't be the same this year. They have lost some friends. When hearing of the loss of one of the old men, one old women said, "Now who's going to buy our fried chicken?" Grief is expressed in many ways.

One really loud old woman and one too talkative old woman moved away. All though no one said “good riddance”, the old women thought it was for the good.

The old women have had 8 months to shake their disappointment at losing the biggest game of the year. Their boys not winning the Super Bowl still remains an unsolvable puzzle: if Russell had only handed the ball off to Marshawn at the 1 yard line...

This new season will be for many of them even more confusing. Some old women are waiting for the final word on who actually will play for the Seattle Seahawks. Some of their favorite boys have been traded. But the old women are ready to watch Marshawn Lynch, Kam Chancellor, Steve Haushka and Richard Sherman. Finding out what the 'Hawks will pay to keep Russell Wilson past next year is of interest.

Management at the home say the whole building is to be remodeled. This was to start this January. It hasn't.

The old women at the home meeting, where this was announced, threatened to bolt the rec room door from the inside if even one construction worker interfered with a 'Hawk game. You can push around old women just so far.

A new couch would be good so the old women who need the front row for the TV wouldn't sink into the existing one up to their shoulders and need help getting out of it.

The preseason games start in Seattle in August with the Broncos and the regular games begin with the Rams in September. Someone has already put the 2015-2016 game schedule up on the cork board. Maybe some of the old women will watch preseason, maybe not. At their age, everything has to count.

A couple of old women want to start a pizza fund. It is a rare treat but all together they may be able to afford it once in a while.

Some old women say they have added new Seahawk things to wear. Large, dangly earrings seem to be the fashion statement so far.

The clothing and food comparisons and competition will begin in earnest with the Ram game.

The old women hope for a Super Bowl winning season for their 'Hawks. One commented that coach (Surfer Boy) Carroll was even more adorable than last season. That brought a few chuckles and inappropriate wishes that only experienced old women would say.

Being together again in the rec room is important and looked forward to. The old women see each other in the halls and elevator once in a while, but laughing, screaming, cheering and jeering together matters. They are looking forward to watching their Seahawks play once more... their boys.

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Shooing Harbaugh

Contributed by Kathe Frahm

The old women come to the rec room in good spirits. For this game they just know their boys will hand the San Francisco 49ers and their annoying coach, Jim Harbaugh, their collective butts.

All they've heard all week is how much discord and and lack of direction the 49ers are suffering. Good. The old women have learned if you can't keep your work planned out and your respect for your team mates together, winning at anything is harder to do. In-fighting is something old women do really well. They don't always fight fair but they fight smart. A couple of old women who came to the rec room to chat during the game were told in no uncertain terms to take it down the hall.

The Seattle Seahawks got off to a less than a Super Bowl quality start. The 49ers QB, Colin Kaepernick actually looked like he knew what he was doing for some minutes Their defense tied up Russell Wilson and showed up the lack of a cohesive offense, something the Hawks just couldn't get together at first.

Getting on the board in the first quarter with a Steve Hauschka field goal always makes them proud. For some old women, Steve just isn't on the field long enough.

Then watching Kaepernick unravel when he really started getting hit, tackled and sacked was just plain fun. Old women don't like cocky QBs and watching their Wagner and Bennett and Smith drop him brought screams and cheers .


When Frank Gore ran in for TD early in the second quarter, one old woman got up and left. Said she couldn't stand the Hawks even giving up one TD to the 49ers. She came back a little later and yelled for her boys to get going.

That was the only real possession the 49ers would ever get. Holding Kaepernick to just 46 yards made the old women happy.

Watching Marshawn Lynch sort of jog into the end zone for a TD and getting all excited for Paul Richardson scoring his first ever NFL TD was icing on the cake.

The most fun for the old women was watching their Hawks get really into the trouncing of Harbaugh's 49ers. The rumors about him being removed as head coach are probably true. Favorite moments again are seeing their surfer boy coach, Pete Carroll, challenge the refs for his team.

His constant refusal to accept what he considers bad calls is like the old women. They have had to wade through conflicts all their lives. Most of them know about the courage to get what they want. They know all about challenges. Some are beaten, some are afraid but old women step up to give a little help; a cookie, a kind word. It's what they do.

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Colin Kaepernot

Contributed by Kathe Frahm.

Old women aren't always sad. Sometimes they put their aches and worries behind them and just have fun. A Thanksgiving smearing of the San Francisco 49ers by the Seattle Seahawks fit the bill for a happy start to the holidays at the home.

At the start of the game, only two old women were in the rec room. They really had no place to go. Later, more and more old women and some old men came in when they got back from their friends and families. One old woman hoped she wouldn't fall asleep after all she ate. Falling asleep was not an option for this much awaited game.


The only NFL quarterback that the old women hate more than Peyton Manning is Colin Kaepernick. With a few exceptions, no NFL player is as good as they think they are. Kaepernick would just like to be that good. He has had falling stats for many games in a row. One of the broadcasters mentioned that he heard 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh tell his QB to shoot up the middle and stay away from the Seahawks' Richard Sherman. Some teams will do anything to keep from throwing in Richard's direction. An old woman saying Kaepernick must have missed the memo brought gales of laughter from the others.

Nothing can get the rec room crowd more worked up than a Hawk interception or a recovered fumble. They were not disappointed. Having favorites Bobby Wagner and Kam Chancellor to muscle the defense made a difference in the team's attitude. The old women said their boys got the bad boy attitude back that carried them to the Super Bowl.

One old woman, a former old-time Raiders fan, worked to explain penalties.

The Raiders are always among the most penalty-prone teams and never back away from a good fight. She said if your boys are going to be aggressive, they have to play hard and worry about penalties after they are called. The object is to make 15 penalties and only get called on 13. Coach Pete Carroll says the Hawks get more than their fair share. He spends a good part of the game running up and down the sidelines yelling at the refs. The old women love to see him get up in a ref's' face defending his players. Of course it was mentioned that he is so much more handsome when he is screaming mad.

There were many standouts in this 49er game. The old women knew the stakes were high. Russell Wilson proved again that the 49ers defense couldn't take their eyes off him for a minute. Richard's interceptions, Turbin's TD and Marshawn Lynch's running brought out the screaming the rec room fans were famous for. Steve Hauschka made kicking field goals look easy.

Some of the old women hoped their boys would beat the 49ers by many points. But 19 to 3 was enough.

Even if some of the old women had no one to see or no place to go on this holiday, their boys gave them a certain amount of joy. They have to take it where they find it.

The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 11

Dissatisfaction, although not complete disappointment, in the Village of the Creepers this week.

My teams went 2-2. One team is in second place. Two are in third. One is a half game out of the playoffs in fifth. Ain't no problem that I can't fix 'cause I can do it in the mix.

My failings were due to 2 positions I historically draft late: tight end and defense. Defenses I stream and roll the dice on. Sometimes I hit. Sometimes I don't. But the tight end thing I need to get better at. More on that later in the list.

More dissatisfaction with the Seattle Seahawks. I've been shooting down people early this week who want to say they beat up on the New York Giants. Don't let the score fool you. They barely won.

They were down 17-14 at the half and tied after 3 quarters. They turned the ball over too much. They were lucky to not fumble away the fourth quarter. Russell Wilson was not throwing it well. Only because Seattle's offense wore out the Giants' defense were they able to run the ball well in the fourth quarter.

Seattle would have lost to a playoff-quality team. They'd better tighten up.

I can't wait for the finish of this year. The pressure will be on and I think the Seahawks play best with their backs against the wall. After Kansas City this week, Seattle finishes the season with 2 against Arizona, 2 against San Francisco, 1 against Philadelphia and another against St. Louis, who is always down to play spoiler.

Taking the division won't be easy, but it's in their hands.

What's in my hands? A list of 10 things relative and not relative to this week in fantasy football.

#1 Putting Butt Fumble Jokes on Hold

Maybe Mark Sanchez will not be the death of the Eagles' dreams.

He was supported by a good defense mauling a bad Panthers' offense, but he didn't screw anything up. In fact, his passes looked tight and he had a better vibe about him. Winning does that. The chance of scenery can too. In a pre-game interview, he was ecstatic about the Chip Kelley organization.

So for us fantasy people, don't bail on Sanchez's weapons. You're sticking with Shady. Jeremy Maclin will produce. Brent Celek is back on the radar. Darren Sproles is healthy and dangerous again, but I think he'll be a streaky play. Your situation may vary. Jordan Matthews just became a hot pickup.

And if your quarterback situation is iffy, you can give Sanchez a shot. They go to Green Bay this week. The Packers put up 42 in the first half against Chicago. The Eagles will have to air it out to keep up.

#2 You and I have Tight End Problems

Your scoring is different, but in my Euro league only 6 tight ends are averaging over 9 points a game. If you drafted Rob Gronkowski, Jimmy Graham or Julius Thomas, you got repaid. Yet, about 50 wide receivers and running backs are scoring over 9 per game.

Right now, I'm stinging partially due to Martellus Bennett's bye in two leagues. My gamble on Luke Willson, in particular, did not pay off. After the top few tight ends, it's quite random. My other two leagues, I'm in trouble at tight end. It's definitely a weakness that superior depth at WR is only partly hiding.

Trade deadline's coming soon. I may have to get wheeling.

#3 Fantasy Football Trades are a Myth

Women like nice guys. Cars with big mufflers are always fast. People singing on the radio can actually sing. Trades happen in fantasy football.

All of those things are mostly false almost all the time.

You don't want a guy. You want another guy. You offer a trade and the other owner agrees with you: he doesn't want your dude either.

You want to trade multiple players for one player, hoping the other owner thinks two fives equal a ten. The problem here: he can't start any more players than you. He doesn't want to weaken his starters and strengthen his bench. He'll have to drop someone after the trade anyway.

So fantasy football trades only happen if you trade with a dummy, right? Not quite.

You must search your whole league for someone with a fortunate surplus and an unfortunate paucity. My best trade, and one of my only ones, was one of these. It also pissed off half the league.

Just because you didn't see it and I did doesn't mean you can be upset.

A few years ago, I was having QB issues. I drafted Peyton Manning the year he sat out with the neck injury. I forget the details of this one, but someone traded me Matt Schaub. Then Schaub got hurt and I was in trouble again.

I scanned every team in the league and found one owner with Cam Newton backing up Aaron Rodgers with the byes behind them. No way he's ever using Cam, so I asked him what he wanted. A running back, he said. Which one? I asked. James Starks, he replied.

Okay. He wants my third or fourth running back. I'd have considered a better one, but that's what he offered and that's what I took. The guy in question was in fourth place and firmly in the playoff hunt, but grumblers still wanted to talk collusion.

In a free league, mind you.

Just because you didn't see it and made the move doesn't mean you can get grumbly.

Someone somewhere in your league just might be rich where you are poor and the other way around. Take a shot. You'll probably get shut down anyway.

#4 Pickups this Week

Like I said, look at Jordan Matthews. The Eagles will be chucking it against the Packers.

CJ Anderson may get stuck in a Denver RB committee, but if Montee Ball and Ronnie Hillman are less than healthy, he could be an ace.

I still don't know what to think about the Giants' passing game. They keep putting up ugly numbers. Rueben Randle seems to be falling out of the back end while Odell Beckham Jr. looks like the truth. Preston Parker is an interesting acquisition if you need the depth.

If you need another tight end to drive you crazy, Kyle Rudolph is coming back in a week or two. Will he become Teddy Bridgewater's good buddy? Watch and see.

Overall a tricky week for pickups. So many questions with so few answers. I'm sitting with guys like Rashad Jennings and Montee Ball on the verge of coming back. I'm trying to be patient and keep the faith.

Unlike the guy who just dropped Giovani Bernard in Andy's league. He's a Creeper now. Maybe the bit of luck that 5-4-1 team needs.

#5 Defenses I Like

My usual question is: who am I picking on? Pittsburgh failed to crash the Jets last week. They're on a bye so I don't have to decide if I'm still picking on them. So are the Jaguars.

The Oakland Raiders travel to San Diego, so the Chargers are a favorite. After Derek Carr passed to one of his linemen, who fumbled the ball away, I can feel good about this.

The Eagles put up big numbers against the Panthers, but won't do it against the Packers. Will Atlanta hit Carolina as hard? You take that guess. Will the Packers find beautiful Sanchez or ugly Sanchez?

Cleveland looked sharp against Cincinnati on Thursday. They get a long week to prepare for... Ryan Mallett. New starting quarterbacks are always a tempting snack, making the Browns my second favorite defense to stream.

#6 Can I Start an Offensive Tackle?

Garry Gilliam played tight end and defensive end in high school, where he caught 20 passes for 4 scores. At Penn State, he started his career at tight end but shifted to tackle in 2013. He was signed as an un-drafted free agent by the Seahawks this year.

The 6'6" 306 pounder has been seen most often lined up as an eligible extra blocker in power formations. With Zach Miller, Anthony McCoy and now Luke Willson injured, Seattle has been using more 6 offensive lineman sets.

They're throwing to Gilliam one of these days and it will be a touchdown. Don't tell anyone. It's a secret Pete Carroll doesn't want me to tell you.

#7 Is Anything For Certain Anymore?

So many things seem upside down in the league right now. But just past the halfway point, they usually are. That's why they play the games.

Arizona with the best record in the league? Cleveland leading the AFC North? Everyone in the AFC North with a winning record? No one in the NFC South with a winning record? Justin Forsett outrushing Jamaal Charles?

Who'd have called these things? This week looks crazier than most. Looking up and down the schedule, I see no locks outside the Broncos/Rams.

What do I feel good about? The Patriots/Colts game will be a high-flying quarterback duel. You should be able to count on big money from Brady, Luck, TY, Gronk, Wayne, LaFell, Bradshaw, Edelman and one of Belichick's running backs. As a desperate TE seeker, I'm liking Dwayne Allen over Coby Fleener.

#8 5 Vegas Series A Apotheosis Revisited

I first got one of these in my face back in Week 4. I gave it a solid review, but like all new smokes right out of the package, it needed to season.

7 weeks later, it has. I had another. The burn was smoother, the draw was easier and the flavor more expansive. I pick up on more of the cocoa notes. The box press feels a little more puffed up, like the time out of the tight wrappings has allowed it to relax.

This just jumped from an OK cigar to a very good one. I'm glad to have a dozen more aging in the box.

I suggest the whole Series A line and badly want to get cracked in the head with a notoriously intense Triple A.

#9 Is That My Alter Ego, or Just My Ego?

Something I wrote for College Factual about the best academic schools for Division 1 football ended up at USA Today. The site preferred a name that does not sound like it belongs to a robot prototype, so the byline reads "David Klenda". Somehow, that feels weird now.

I'm happy to be published and shared under any name. Call me Betty Boop, just pay me. Still, I've been trying to consolidate my brand and seeing my birth name next to my writing is odd once again.

Where's the best football school for academics? You'll have to look. Not all of the schools on the list are perennial powerhouses, but they will get you a degree that matters in case you are part of the huge majority that goes professional in something other than football.

#10 A Haiku for Al Davis' Zombies

Wideouts are covered

So pass to linemen. Brilliant.

They're always open.

Good luck and happy creepings.

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: They Might Not Be Giants

Contributed by Kathe Frahm

Some old women are crepe hangers. They hang a black crepe wreath on the door when someone dies. They always think the worst is going to happen. If you catch a cold, you are surely going to die of pneumonia. Bad luck and losses are not uncommon in this room of old women and a few old men.

When their boys were looking bad the first half of the game with the hapless New York Giants, they sunk lower into their chairs and walkers and hoped it wouldn't be too bad. Others just shook their heads at the "loser's attitude" and suggested a cookie or some cheese ball might cheer them up a little.

The Giants QB Eli Manning, little brother of the old women's least favorite Peyton, looked pretty good at first. But when the Seahawks' defense started wearing the Giants' offense down, they could see a little panic show on the young Manning's face and in his performance.

The old women were worried at the half when their 'Hawks were down 17-14. Most believed their boys would bounce back in the second half of the game. The "we'll probably lose" side were giving the I-told-you-so-look. They feared that their adorable Russell Wilson was in a real slump. Two interceptions and a fumble brought groans and cries for their boys to shake it off and get going.

At the beginning of the 4th quarter, the whole attitude of the rec room changed. Marshawn Lynch can do that to the old women. He started his famous Mack Truck carries into the face of the Giants' defense, dragging defenders and blockers with him as he just kept falling forward. The old women screamed when his helmet got ripped off.

Old women sometimes are given to uses of very colorful profanities. This was one of those times. Little gray-haired grandmothers in Seahawks t-shirts yelling profound curses at any opposing player who could hurt one of their boys is a remarkable vision.

A big worry was that one of their boys would get hurt. And it is the nature of the game that they do. Brandon Mebane and LukeWillson were both helped off the field with injuries. S Kam Chancellor is still out but may be back next week for the game with the Kansas City Chiefs.

A win is a win for the old women. But a final pounding of the other team is more fun. For many old women in this home's rec room, it isn't how you play the game. It is how bad your Hawks beat the other team. Old women are not always fair and they don't care if anyone thinks they are bad sports.

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Running through Raiders

Contributed by Kathe Frahm

The rec room was nearly full for the Oakland Raiders game. Even a few more old men straggled in. After all, how could their Seattle Seahawks lose against the winless Raiders and their baby QB, Derrek Carr?

A few old women felt a little put upon when some of their favorite chairs were taken by what they called fair weather fans. And with twice the women there, the noise of so many conversations going on at once blocked out the announcers. On occasion one of the old women yelled for them to shut up so the play calls could be heard. The old men thought that was funny.

At least some of the old women who haven't been there during the hard times brought food. Even one of the old men brought a bucket of fried chicken to share. Some leftover Halloween candy and cake made it to the snack table. Old women are past competing for the best food prize. They were all about the snacks, though.

It was hard for the old women to watch their boy Russell Wilson looking a bit off. The lack of steely confidence and intent concentration of their boy was scary. True, many of the regular offensive linemen were out with injuries. Russell played with his 4th center. Max Unger and Russell Okung could be back next week against the New York Giants. Many players stepped up to fill the injury holes.

Bruce Irvin, KJ Wright, Robert Turbin and Christine Michael all showed They knew what they were doing.

The old women were most happy to see their favorites Marshawn Lynch, Richard Sherman, and Steve Hauschka do so well in the game. They did not get how John Ryan's punt could be blocked, which brought a lot of screaming and yelling. A great sigh of relief was heard when Jermaine Kearse fell on the onside kick to guarantee the win.

QB Derrek Carr of the Raiders showed he could be great one day. The old women thought he was too skinny and wondered what made him appear as though he had breasts. The old women who knew assured the other that that was the bindings used to keep his shoulder pads in place with the protective gear he has to wear.

They sounded relieved.

The old women know it wasn't a nice win. Old women take victories where they find them, nice or not. That is what they learn just by living long enough.

The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 10

A tough week in Creeperville. 0-3 for my Russell Wilson led teams. My Peyton Manning and Demaryius Thomas based team won, holding my lead atop Bethanie's league.

The moral: it's better to have your quarterback gunslinging from behind than coasting ahead of a team he's sure he'll beat.

But creep on creepin' on. I still have the #4 spot in my free Euro league. In Nate's league, I'm holding tight to my #3 position. I'm still in #4 in Andy's league by a mere half game. No time to freak out. Still in the playoffs across the board. Keep streaming the best defense and snagging free agent W/R/Ts. Keep faith in my quarterback.

In woulda-coulda-shoulda news, I would have won in the Euro league had I hung onto Miami's D. But who thought they'd shut out the Chargers? Let me go back and edit last week's Report to show that I knew it all along.

I got blown out in my other 2 leagues. Nothing I could have done would have helped. In Nate's, every player on my bench had a bye.

With no regrets, let's get into 10 things about fantasy football and things we can smoke while watching.

#1 Does Your Team Need More Boobie?

When Anthony Dixon came from the San Francisco 49ers to the Buffalo Bills, his team-mates started calling him "Boobie" after Boobie Miles from Friday Night Lights. The name grew in popularity with fans until it was officially switched from Anthony on the team roster.

Whatever you call Mr. Dixon, you can now call him the starting running back for the surprising 5-3 Bills. Coming off a bye, they face a Kansas City Chiefs team that leads the league against the pass but is 19th against the run with 116.1 yards allowed per game. They give up 4.7 yards per carry.

With CJ Spiller on injured reserve and Fred Jackson questionable to play, that gives Boobie and Bryce Brown the rock. Dixon's only gained 639 yards in 4.5 seasons so far, but a starting back is a starting back.

#2 Denard "Auto-Flex" Robinson

Coming out of Michigan as a quarterback, the NFL didn't know what to do with Robinson. The Jacksonville Jaguars played around with him as a kick returner, wide receiver and running back. Last year he threw one pass, caught none and carried the ball 20 times for 66 yards.

Suddenly over the last 3 games he has 57 carries for 329 yards and 2 scores. Better yet, he's still listed as a hybrid WR/RB. Auto-Flex. Last week I used him as a WR. This week I'll start him at RB. Useful.

He's a big play waiting to happen and one of the only good offensive things happening for the Jags.

#3 Giant's Offense

Should be written as "0ffense" except I'm not sure you can tell I used a zero instead of an O.

Out west, I don't get much chance to see the Giants play. Monday Night, it was obvious their passing game is a wreck. But go go gadget garbage time. Eli Manning still ended up with 359 and 2 scores with amazingly no interceptions. Odell Beckham Jr. (ODB's son to me) grabbed 8 for 156. All of that was much too late in a blowout that ended 40-24 somehow.

Eli's passes and receivers were never in the same place. Rueben Randle still hasn't figured him out. The defense that was lit up by the Steelers was confusing to the Giants.

Coming to Seattle next week, I don't feel good about anything NYG. I may still have to start Old Dirty's kid, but I hope not to. Boom or bust indeed.

#4 Speaking of Seattle's Defense

Always watch the transactions of your league-mates. You might see that someone dropped Seattle for Darren Sproles so they could start Philadelphia against Houston. Snag.

The Seahawks are showing why you shouldn't go nuts and draft a defense early. But as a free agent grab to play the Raiders at home? Thanks. Best matchup of the year for them. Sure, they gave up too many points to Al Davis' zombies, but they were handed 3 turnovers and a touchdown.

And I'll take them at home against the Giants, too.

Other defenses this week? I like Dallas against Jacksonville and Pittsburgh against the Jets. Do you think Mark Sanchez isn't Mark Sanchez? If you think he still is, take Carolina against Philadelphia.

#5 Return of the Butt Fumble

I was working at a huge sports bar at the time of the infamous Sanchez moment. I'd heard a lot of noises during football games at that place, but I'd never heard the whole joint fall out laughing until then.

But that was then. Sanchez did just win the game against Houston after Nick Foles busted a collar bone. He threw for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns plus 2 interceptions. He's bound to turn it over a couple more times at least versus Carolina.

You probably have to start Jeremy Maclin in case he catches another bomb or two. Don't feel good about it. LeSean McCoy is still Shady, but I don't like much else Eagle-flavored this week.

#6 All Brain and No Heart

I keep reminding myself to play fantasy football with my head only and keep the heart separate. I'm wondering now if I always do that.

Having Russell Wilson in three leagues is a smart move regardless of the fact I love that team. Being pessimistic about Percy Harvin as a Jet rather than a Seahawk I think is logical.

Saying his first game in New York would be the best game of the rest of his career? I was trying to get a reaction. Sometimes you need to be bold to be heard, like in the 90s when I used to say the internet was a myth and computers didn't work.

Look at me now.

Maybe my Harvin call is correct if I really meant this week. I figured the Jets would feed him the ball to prove they made a good trade. With 11 catches for 129 in a blowout loss, they did it this week. I benched him for Rueben Randle and I was wrong. Didn't cost me the game, but maybe I was getting emotional.

Putting hindsight behind me where it belongs, let's look at this week. At home against a red-hot Pittsburgh offense, the Jets might do it again. Harvin may barely average 10 yards a catch and be held scoreless one more time, but he'll be a good play especially in PPR.

He gets the start over Rueben this week.

#7 Ben Roethlisberger's 12 Pack

Will this keep up? How often can a guy throw 6 touchdowns? The Jets are second-to-last in the league surrendering 28 points a game. It just might keep up.

Antonio Brown is one reason I'm leading Bethanie's league. Martavis Brown and Markus Wheaton are both worth starting if you need them. This could be another mauling. Big Ben could leave New Jersey with Rex Ryan's job.

#8 I Will Miss You, Serie N

I believe the La Gloria Cubana Serie N was the first cigar I ever reviewed on the Creeper Report for The Penalty Flag. They've taken the page down, so I'll never know.

I just smoked the last one in my humidor. A little melancholy.

Yet I'm reminded why the 5.5" 54 gauge JSB is my favorite cigar of all time. Once again, a bit of pepper smoothing into an earthy leatheriness like a favorite bomber jacket. No bitterness. Meaty. This is the reason I fell for oscuros.

And this is why you need a good humidor and must let your favorites rest. It took me well over a year to go through 10 of these. I only grabbed them for special occasions. But tonight? Maybe just because.

After more than a year, it was softer, more complex and more intense than ever. Grabbed me by the boo-boo, it did.

One more lesson: keep an eye on your favorite smokes on multiple sites. Everything goes on sale from time to time. I got 10 of these way back when for $39.99 plus a $10 gift card.

The Serie R Black and the Wavell Maduros are also great. LGC makes fine big rich cigars at good prices.

Watch for a Serie N sale for me, will you?

#9 Continuing the Freelance Dance

Heading into my third month as a part-time freelancer, I'm hunting for bigger fish. Snagging $20 or $30 bits and pieces is fine, but I need a real jobby-job.

Sure, I can write about just about anything, but I should stick to what I know. And that's not even football.

I've racked up some experience as an NFL writer, but I've been in the restaurant business much longer. I know more about the game than most managers you'll meet (except for mine, who happen to be geniuses) so if I'm going to be an expert at anything, it's that.

How to organize your staff, what to cook, what to pour, what not to do, how to prepare yourself and how not to get fired. Learned it all, hard way and otherwise.

I need to find someone who values that and will pay me to teach it. I don't want to run all over a restaurant until my plantar fasciae are filled with micro-tears again.

Furthermore, when my son starts going to school 5 days a week, I don't want to head to work as soon as he gets home.

I want to move away from writing jobs that take only an hour or two. I want something more permanent.

#10 Brady Versus Manning Forever

 Take my record. Chase

Brett Favre. My team doesn't care.

We just lit yours up.

Good luck and happy creepings.

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Pink Panthers

Contributed by Kathe Frahm

Old women aren't too big on miracles. So, when they think they see one, it is unexpected.

Russell Wilson to Luke Willson in the final seconds TD of the Seattle Seahawks game in Carolina for some of the women qualified as a miracle.

There were only 4 women in the rec room for this game. Some had had their fill of disappointment and did not want to wish too much for a win. The food selection was sparse though one old woman brought coffeecake to bake in the rec room. The smell of baking was comforting. Potato chips, microwave popcorn and Halloween candy was all the snacks and even that wasn't eaten much.

As a vocal group, the old women were disgusted with the Panthers' QB Cam Newton and yelled unkind words every time he looked at the field camera and swaggered off with look-what-I-did gestures. The old women wanted the Seahawks to win if for no other reason than to see that smirk wiped off his face.

It was a hard game. The old women were getting quieter through each of the first 3 quarters. They just knew their boys would bounce back in the 4th. At least that was the hope. When Russell was sacked, when the Hawks were intercepted and did not score a TD in their drives downfield, they cheered loud and strong for Kicker Steve Hauschka to at least get something on the scoreboard. They did not expect he would break his own distance field goal distance with a nearly perfect 58 yards. Again many comments were made about him not only being a good kicker but also very pleasant to look at.

Halfway through the 4th quarter, one of the 4 old women said she couldn't stand the way this game was going. She was going up to her apartment to pick up the sewing on her Christmas projects for the grandkids. The others could understand, but they hung in. She took a few chips and some coffeecake with her.

With the abrupt removal of the troubled Percy Harvin, Doug Baldwin and Luke Willson were placed by their handsome surfer boy coach Pete Carroll with Marshawn Lynch to carry the ball. Add the yardage gained by Robert Turbin and the old women began to have a happier outlook. The Panthers saw Baldwin as the logical replacement for Harvin and mistakenly discounted Willson to receive the ball. He did struggle but was able to catch Russell's brilliant pass for the last seconds game winning TD. Yelling and screaming and cheering for their boys is what the old women do best. They even heard the one old woman who went up to sew, screaming on her way down in the elevator.

So the now 4 old women hugged and kept up the yelling for a long time. Mostly the final look on the Panther QB's face was worth this anxious, worrisome game. Old women know the arrogance lesson always gets learned. Cam Newton should benefit from this opportunity.

The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 9

None of it was easy to watch. Nothing came without struggle and stress. It was like watching a monkey order sushi.

But the Seattle Seahawks won and The Creepers went 4-0. Three of my teams did it with below average numbers from Russell Wilson. The other team did it with sub-superhuman performances from Peyton Manning and Demaryius Thomas.

(My son called him Delaryius. I told him it was Hilaryius.)

Never forget about the unusual rules. Bethanie's league (which features PP-Everything including kick return yardage AKA the league that made Jordan Todman the #3 overall RB in Week 4 thanks to 174 kick return yards) allows only 4 roster moves a week and has a bench of only 4 players. I'm a guy who habitually makes a bunch of moves early in the week. I had to use my last roster move to replace Paul Posluszny at IDP. I was forced to choose between Reggie Bush or Trent Richardson at RB2. One of those guys put on a uniform this week. Neither played.

Thanks to Antonio Brown, all was forgiven.

After 8 weeks, The Creepers are 5-3, 6-2, 5-2-1 and 7-1. My worst record is in my only free league.

So you should listen to at least a tiny bit of what I have to say.

Ten things about fantasy football and the ripples it causes:

#1 Time to Dump Percy Harvin?

Last week I declared that Week 8, 2014, would be the best game of the rest of Percy Harvin's career. 50 total yards on 7 touches? Yup, that could be it. The quarterback he left Russell Wilson for threw 3 picks in 8 passes in the first quarter and got yanked forever. Michael Vick is starting next week. The New York Jets are a train wreck that crashed into a dumpster fire.

Pick a team. Any team. Could Percy have gone to a worse team? You know I hate the Oakland Raiders, but even they have a good young quarterback and acknowledge that they're rebuilding. Rex Ryan thinks the Jets are good enough and finally realized yesterday he has no QB of the future.

This was the worst move possible for Percy. He'll realize that within days, pull a Randy Moss/Oakland Raiders and shut himself down for the rest of the season. He'll try to stay healthy, get cut and look for a new team next year.

Meanwhile, it was...

#2 The Best Move for the Seahawks

Being the defending champs predicted to repeat just didn't suit that team. They won the Super Bowl because no one thought they could and they went to work every day to prove everyone wrong.

After Gregg Easterbrook of Tuesday Morning Quarterback pointed out that a 3-3 team had a 1% chance of winning the Super Bowl, the Seahawks were again in familiar territory. When an underdog gets on top, it gets lost.

Last year began with a dirty 12-7 win in Carolina. Seattle spent the rest of the year scratching and clawing for respect. This week's 13-9 victory over the same team, also capped with a late Russell Wilson touchdown pass, should start another run for redemption.

Coming along with all the Harvin fallout is more blah-blah about locker room discord, including talk about Russell not being black enough, working too hard and being the coach's pet.

Anyone complaining about the franchise quarterback working too hard and being tight with the coach can go look for pirate treasure at the bottom of the Puget Sound. As for not being black enough? Sounds like the sort of stereotyping successful black men resent. I'm as white as a sack of flour, but that statement doesn't sound right.

My time in the unrewarding world of sports writing has taught me that writers need to write. Today and now. Their words, whether true or not, need to cause sparks and flames to be valuable. Otherwise they're just more bubbles in the waterfall that is the internet.

It was true about me and it's true about most of them: they don't know anything except what bounces around the web. They seize on a quote, a stat or an inference and try to make it go viral before anyone else does.

I tried it. Can you believe I wasted your time with this? But I had to. Forced to write every day, I tried to be TMZ Jr.

Good win, Seattle. I promise to ignore as much digital pulp as I can.

#3 Running Backs You Should Be Watching

I try to avoid New Orleans Saints running backs. Drew Brees has that annoying habit of being very good at passing and spreading the ball all over. You never know who's getting fed that day. But now because of injuries, Mark Ingram is getting his chances. He exploded on Green Bay for 172 yards. The Saints get the Panthers thursday night. With a short turn around, I expect Ingram to remain hot and New Orleans to stay with him.

I try to avoid New England backs for nearly the same reasons. Bill Belichick is tough to predict. Jonas Gray dominated the run game, but Shane Vereen is just as likely to get the ball next week against Denver. The Patriots will find themselves in a shootout and Tom Brady will be throwing rather than handing off. I'd hate to have to roll the dice on Gray or Vereen.

Lorenzo Taliaferro keeps getting the dirty work while Justin Forsett gets the flashy stuff. Bernard Pierce is getting spoonfuls of Alpo. Lorenzo is one injury away from bubbling to the top in Baltimore.

Theo Riddick, a converted wide receiver, did his best Reggie Bush impression while Reggie was out. He'll continue that role if Bush does not mend soon. The Lions have a bye this week, so Week 10 may not be Riddick's, but keep an eye on him.

#4 My Fantasy Fantasy League

I dream about a fantasy league of the absurd. One in which you attempt to predict the most ridiculous and undesirable things.

You would have a penalty team on your squad that would earn you points based on number of penalties allotted, penalty yardage and points called back due to penalty.

You wouldn't select a team defense, but an offense. Your defense would be whoever was playing against your offense. I'm taking the Raiders in the dynasty version.

You'd get points every time your player appeared on "C'mon, Man" or "Not Top Ten".

You'd get points for dropped passes and interceptions.

Wardrobe malfunctions, definitely.

Injuring yourself while celebrating would earn huge bonuses.

Of course you'd have a punter.

How should we award points to your cheerleading squad?

But who would host such a league? I'm not flashing back to the early days of fantasy sports and doing all the math with a newspaper.

What other absurdist categories could we use?

#5 Defenses I Like

Thanks, Miami, for mauling the Jaguars in all 4 of my leagues. Did anyone notice me looking smart for a minute? But it's time to move over, Dolphins. You get San Diego next. Welcome to Dropsville.

The answer to the obvious next question is Cincinnati. I'm picking them up everywhere I can. The Bengals play better at home and should mow Jacksonville down.

If Kansas City is free in your league, grab them because they get the Jets. At least the Jags are trying.

Cleveland versus Tampa Bay is worth a shot.

Not many other juicy match-ups this week. Many of the lousier teams are playing defenses already largely owned. Seattle at Oakland? Tasty.

#6 Wide Receivers You Should Be Watching

Martavis Bryant may have been a lucky recipient of a freak Ben Roethlisberger game, but the rookie is working his way more and more into the game plan. The Steelers even have a package featuring him in the backfield. They want to get him the ball.

Donte Moncrief made 7 grabs for 113 and a score playing catch-up with the Steelers. Andrew Luck and Eli Manning could get slingy. With Reggie Wayne less than 100%, Donte could remain in the sun.

Andrew Hawkins just keeps catching passes. 36 for 470 but only one score. He's a small slot guy at 5'7". I have a blind spot for the Browns. I haven't wanted to believe in them all year. But Hawkins is staying in the picture.

Odell Beckham gets to start opposite Rueben Randle. Fresh off the bye, he could make an impact against Indianapolis.

#7 Players I'm Not Getting Back Yet

Rashad Jennings is still recovering from his knee issue. After the bye, he still may not play against the Colts. That leaves rookie Andre Williams in a choice role. He'll be riding with me this week.

Montee Ball may be back for Week 9, but Ronnie Hillman's success has hurt Ball. His hands and breakaway speed have fit perfectly into Manning's attack. Ball may be relegated to goal-line vulture when he returns.

The Lions have been cautious with Calvin Johnson. After the bye, we should see caution get flushed and Megatron get back to business. I think Golden Tate continues to thrive.

#8 Victor Sinclair Comes To Visit

The big fat ones with the red band.

Fed up with my primitive sponge humidifier, I finally decided to go with a Xikar Gel Jar. In order to qualify for a $5 discount, I needed to spend $25. After much hunting and searching, I selected a Victor Sinclar 10 cigar sampler.

They were less than $2 a pop, delivered. I'm intrigued. An array of oscuro, maduro and corojo sticks with one Connecticut lancero. Mostly my type with some variety thrown in.

The first to ignite was the Cabinet 99 Red. It's a chubby boy, at 5.7" and over 60 ring gauge. Not the deep earthy style that is my true love, but leathery and rich with a certain tea-leaf flavor without being too herbal.

I liked it, but it didn't burn great. I had to touch it with the flame a few times to keep it even. Eventually it took on those stagnant flavors of a cigar not burning evenly and I chucked it before it reached my knuckles. Now, I did smoke it right out of the package. Cigars always burn and taste better after some time in the box.

Fortunately, 2 came in the sampler. I'll let it sit for a couple months and revisit.

#9 86 the Rub Gets its First International Order

My sister-in-law and her husband (aka Shark as Muffie and Vinor Bastards of the East Crown league) just had a little daughter in Prague. We sent them a package of gifts. One request they had? Some of my barbecue rub.

I buzzed them up a batch and sealed it in a zip-loc bag. I wonder what the dogs at the airport thought about that. Get a deep whiff of that chili powder, Fido. Maybe smugglers are getting creative, mixing sea salt and ginger with their drugs.

I use the stuff for everything. I have photos ready to post a recipe for Three Shadows Chicken Thighs. I just haven't got around to it. Then a Writer Access client was looking for easy football snack recipes. I'm going to give them a version of that recipe. I just need a football name and theme other than Three Shadows.

If you're fast, you can help. I'm writing it up tonight. Give me a title. Touchdown Chicken Thighs? Too easy. Help me out.

#10 Still Picking on Percy

Wanna be a Jet:

I can catch Geno passes

For fifteen minutes.

Good luck and happy creepings.

Honorable mentions for the featured sushi monkey image:

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Rammed

Contributed by Kathe Frahm.

The old women knew that their boys could beat the loser St. Louis Rams.
After the loss to the Dallas Cowboys, the old women were in need of some reassurance that their team was OK. Dallas played good football. Scary football.

Fewer old women traipsed into the rec room for the Rams game. Comments were made that those not there were a bunch of 'fair weather sissy fans'. No old men showed up for this game and when the women met them in the halls at the home they already said the Seattle Seahawks were just a flash in the pan. Not even the free food brought the old men in.

The old woman who left some leftover little cupcakes in the rec room freezer after the Cowboys game was really not surprised that they were gone. Old men and women take advantage of what they can. This is learned behavior. Lives of privation make this easy. No one really got upset about it. They probably had all been there. She went upstairs and got a box of store-bought Halloween cookies to share.

Austin Davis, the Rams' QB, looked to be another easy baby-faced target for the 'Hawks defense. The old women's confidence began to waver a little when it was plain the Hawks were in trouble at the half, down 21 to 6. It did get better when Russell Wilson took over the game with 313 passing yards and 3 tds. Screaming and yelling gave a little life to the room. The old women believed that their boys would pull off a win and get a lead in the NFC West even though 4 of their favorite boys were out with injuries: C Max Unger, TE Zach Miller, CB Byron Maxwell and LB Bobby Wagner. Missing these big boys was worrisome.

What they couldn't see was the little Rams WR, Tavon Austin, who faked a fair catch on a John Ryan punt and the 'Hawks defenders had to just try and catch up to receiver Stedman Bailey, who ran 90 yards for a TD. This and what the old women believed was an unfair call on a Richard Sherman fumble recovery with about 1 minute to go convinced them that their boys had to play against the referees as well.

The old women left the rec room more dismayed and a little sad after this loss. It was supposed to be a cake walk to hand the Rams another defeat and move up in the NFC West. Even though many of them have had a lot of practice at losing, they still don't like it.

This time the old woman who brought the Halloween cookies took the leftovers home.

The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 8

The Creepers came within 6 feet of 4-0. Had Heath Miller only gained 2 more yards, I wouldn't have lost by 1/10 of a point to my old college buddy. What's up, Rod Dog? I'm sure I did something to deserve it back in '95.

Come on, stat corrections. Nothing better than winning a fantasy football game in the middle of the week.

At least the loss was in my only free league. In my 3 pay leagues, I'm holding tough at 6-1, 5-2 and 4-2-1. Creep on creepin' on. Roll with the punches.

This puts some frosting on the sour pill that was the Seattle Seahawks' game. I could taste it. Seattle was rolling. They got the defensive stop they needed and were about to get the ball back. Russell Wilson had the offense cooking and a game winning field goal was almost on my tongue.

Then that Skittle turned out to be an aspirin.

So let's get to it. 10 things about this week in fantasy football, non-fantasy football and things that are not important, like real life:

1. Jeff Fisher's Testicles are Actually Giant Brains

What the hell is a fake punt return? I'm familiar with fake punts, fake spikes, fake orgasms (I've heard of them), fake lady parts and fake-and-bake. Yet I woke up Sunday morning unaware of fake punt returns.

Now I know. So do the Seahawks.

My wife wondered why the punt return team wasn't watching the ball instead of the St. Louis Rams. If you're looking up while running down on kick coverage, someone is going to end you. So you run to the punt returner and avoid the assembling blockers. Then the ball goes to the other side of the field, where one lonely gunner takes the ball the distance. You, the cameraman and gaggle of 12s are trying to figure out what happened.

Really brilliant, Mr. Fisher. You did your homework, guided your squad and executed a crazy one.

Then later on you had the huevos to attempt a fake punt from your own 18. The balls or the brains? Some of each, but in truth, you hardly had a choice. With just under 3 minutes to go, the Rams were doomed if they punted it.

Russell was on fire. All he had to do was move the ball within Steven Hauschka's ample range and the game was over. If the Rams punt the ball they probably lose.

But execute a fake punt and you win. No doubt. Unless something crazy happens like Tre Mason fumbles the ball away.

I'll admit I can't remember a Seahawks' loss that stung so bad. Nice work. Special Teams Coordinator John Fassel deserves a lot of credit, too.

See you Week 17 in Seattle, you magnificent bastards.

2. What About the 3-3 Seahawks?

Like Aaron Rodgers said: Relax. We're behind the shockingly 5-1 Arizona Cardinals and the 4-3 San Francisco 49ers. We play both of them twice and have four games to get our feces consolidated before that happens. We have good players and we've jettisoned Percy Harvin.

So a star newcomer has beef with Russell Wilson, Golden Tate and Doug Baldwin? Two times (and one preseason game) when the team is putting together a comeback he decides he doesn't want to play? Get out. Get your things and go or we'll burn them for you. A draft pick in return? We'll give you him and a draft pick. You wan't to take his salary?

Suckers.

So I was right about Russell Wilson being a fantasy star this year. By ESPN scoring, he's the #5 quarterback. I'm happy I reached for him and own him in 3 leagues.

I was wrong about Percy Harvin being one. I figured the move to a Super Bowl contender with a great quarterback would cure his attitude problems. I still don't think he's more injury prone than the next guy. I think he doesn't want to play, which is the difference between being on the field and being in the trainer's room sometimes.

Get Doug Baldwin on your squad. He always has something to prove. Now he's proving that the Seahawks don't need Percy. His 7 catches for 123 and a score were not a fluke. He wants it and he gets what he wants.

Very cool seeing Christine Michael get some touches. Don't do anything yet, but keep your eye on him.

The next 3 games (@ Panthers, home versus Raiders and Giants) should give Seattle a chance to get things right.

The true problem, and the reason I don't draft defenses, is Seattle's defense. They need to shake things up. Remember last year when the amazing thing was that they played base defense and got things done with man-to-man coverage? Not the case this year. They need to start blitzing, mixing up coverage and surprising teams.

3. Percy and the Jets

I hope you read the 3 pieces I did regarding the Harvin trade. Look at me: I was being topical and timely. As a fantasy owner, don't give up on him yet. He's about to have the biggest game of the season.

It's honeymoon time in New Jersey. The Jets need to prove they made a good decision. They'll pump Percy the ball like he was back in Minnesota. At least this week. Then he'll realize he hates Geno Smith and that 1-6 means 1-6. He'll try to get out before long. Week 8 is the best game of the rest of his career.

Week 8, 2014, will be the best game of the rest of Percy Harvin's career. Cut and paste that.

Ride it while you can and then make your own plans for Week 9. Thankfully, he's only on one of my squads. But he's starting.

Chris Ivory should get a momentary boost from this. He came up big for me this week, although I had little faith in the Jets and started him with reservations. Expect some of that jet sweep/read option stuff that worked for Marshawn Lynch early in the year.

As for Jeremy Kerley, Eric Decker and the rest of them? They get musty in Harvin's shadow for a week. As for the rest? Let's talk about it next week.

4. Some Good Running Back Pickups this Week

The waiver wire has potential. I hated to see it, but Tre Mason looked good and it's easy to drop Zac Stacy now. Benny Cunningham is worth a look, particularly in that kick return yardage league I'm in.

Denard Robinson took over the running back role in Jacksonville. Although I feel nothing good about the Jaguars, except playing defense against them, Robinson is intriguing because he's listed as a WR/RB. He's an instant flex and a big play threat. He'll be a handy bench asset.

Jerick McKinnon seized the starting job from Matt Asiata. Again, I don't feel good about many things Viking, but starting running backs are worth grabbing when they come available.

Anthony Dixon is almost the only back left for Buffalo now that Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller are both hurt. We're continuing the theme of starting runners for questionable offenses here.

5. Speaking of Defenses against Jacksonville...

I like Miami against the Jaguars. Blake Bortles is still throwing interceptions. Yeah, they slapped up the Browns last week, but prove me wrong this week.

Yeah, the Cleveland Browns got slapped up this week, but they get the Raiders this week. My FF Defense Rule #1 is: play against the Raiders. Does Cleveland give another team their first win? At least get some sacks and turnovers on your way there.

If you got to, take Houston against Tennessee. Sure, they have JJ Watt, but they don't seem to be able to play a whole game of good defense.

6. Congratulations, Elliott Nix

Thursday, Elliott Nix became the first person ever to ask me online for fantasy advice. He wanted to know if he should start Brandon Bolden or James Jones. Too bad he asked me minutes before the Patriots' game and I was unable to respond in time. Maybe not too bad, because as a Raider Hater I would have told him to go with Bolden, who ended up with 1 catch for 4 yards.

Well, James Jones caught 4 passes for 35 yards. Hope that didn't sway it for you. Did I mention I lost by 1/10 of a point this week?

But thanks for asking and keep reading. Give me a little more lead time and I'll give you some advice worth ignoring.

7. I Have Given Up on Being an Author

No I haven't. I wrote 4 ebooks in the last few years. Somehow I never mention them. The covers and links are on this blog somewhere. Life is conspiring against me. Kids, work and my new freelance writing thing have eaten all my creative writing time. The only creative things I've written in the past year have been slam pieces.

I should YouTube those. I'll whisper them into the webcam when the shorties are sleeping.

Find me on Smashwords. I'm on Amazon, too, but I'm such an underdog fan I'm drawn to Smashwords. Cathartes Aura and the Apocalypse Zoo truly reads better on paper. It's a collection of 10 line stanzas and ereaders just don't show it right.

I thank you in advance.

8. Paul Richardson

The Percy Harvin trade, among other things, is a compliment to Paul Richardson. The speedy rookie is more than just a burner. He runs tight routes, catches tough passes, shows good footwork near the sidelines and was impressive in the preseason. He's been mostly invisible until Harvin was gone. He's done everything but go deep in a game.

Richardson is the new Harvin, only young and humble. In my deeper leagues, I've added him. Maybe it's a hometown move, but I think he could become a factor later in the year.

9. ¡Jesus Fuego! That's a good cigar.

In my last sampler, a very pleasant surprise was the Jesus Fuego Corojo Oscuro Toro.

At 6" x 50, it's a meaty smoke without being chubby. The light and burn were perfectly smooth. The flavor was not my typical style. It's woodsy and leathery with a certain rich tea leaf flavor. Normally, I'm a squid ink maduro guy. But I like this one a lot. It was a good break from my normal, though not too far away, and exactly why you need to try random stuff sometimes. I was unfamiliar with the brand, but now I'll perk up when I hear the name.

And ¡Jesus Fuego! just became my new favorite way to use the Lord's name in vain. I pledge to work it into conversation as often as I can.

"¡Jesus Fuego! Heath Miller couldn't get me pinche dos fantasy points?"

10. Harvin gets a Haiku

I need a new team.

One that loses and likes it

When I cry and punch.

Good luck and happy creepings.