Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: They Might Not Be Giants

Contributed by Kathe Frahm

Some old women are crepe hangers. They hang a black crepe wreath on the door when someone dies. They always think the worst is going to happen. If you catch a cold, you are surely going to die of pneumonia. Bad luck and losses are not uncommon in this room of old women and a few old men.

When their boys were looking bad the first half of the game with the hapless New York Giants, they sunk lower into their chairs and walkers and hoped it wouldn't be too bad. Others just shook their heads at the "loser's attitude" and suggested a cookie or some cheese ball might cheer them up a little.

The Giants QB Eli Manning, little brother of the old women's least favorite Peyton, looked pretty good at first. But when the Seahawks' defense started wearing the Giants' offense down, they could see a little panic show on the young Manning's face and in his performance.

The old women were worried at the half when their 'Hawks were down 17-14. Most believed their boys would bounce back in the second half of the game. The "we'll probably lose" side were giving the I-told-you-so-look. They feared that their adorable Russell Wilson was in a real slump. Two interceptions and a fumble brought groans and cries for their boys to shake it off and get going.

At the beginning of the 4th quarter, the whole attitude of the rec room changed. Marshawn Lynch can do that to the old women. He started his famous Mack Truck carries into the face of the Giants' defense, dragging defenders and blockers with him as he just kept falling forward. The old women screamed when his helmet got ripped off.

Old women sometimes are given to uses of very colorful profanities. This was one of those times. Little gray-haired grandmothers in Seahawks t-shirts yelling profound curses at any opposing player who could hurt one of their boys is a remarkable vision.

A big worry was that one of their boys would get hurt. And it is the nature of the game that they do. Brandon Mebane and LukeWillson were both helped off the field with injuries. S Kam Chancellor is still out but may be back next week for the game with the Kansas City Chiefs.

A win is a win for the old women. But a final pounding of the other team is more fun. For many old women in this home's rec room, it isn't how you play the game. It is how bad your Hawks beat the other team. Old women are not always fair and they don't care if anyone thinks they are bad sports.

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Running through Raiders

Contributed by Kathe Frahm

The rec room was nearly full for the Oakland Raiders game. Even a few more old men straggled in. After all, how could their Seattle Seahawks lose against the winless Raiders and their baby QB, Derrek Carr?

A few old women felt a little put upon when some of their favorite chairs were taken by what they called fair weather fans. And with twice the women there, the noise of so many conversations going on at once blocked out the announcers. On occasion one of the old women yelled for them to shut up so the play calls could be heard. The old men thought that was funny.

At least some of the old women who haven't been there during the hard times brought food. Even one of the old men brought a bucket of fried chicken to share. Some leftover Halloween candy and cake made it to the snack table. Old women are past competing for the best food prize. They were all about the snacks, though.

It was hard for the old women to watch their boy Russell Wilson looking a bit off. The lack of steely confidence and intent concentration of their boy was scary. True, many of the regular offensive linemen were out with injuries. Russell played with his 4th center. Max Unger and Russell Okung could be back next week against the New York Giants. Many players stepped up to fill the injury holes.

Bruce Irvin, KJ Wright, Robert Turbin and Christine Michael all showed They knew what they were doing.

The old women were most happy to see their favorites Marshawn Lynch, Richard Sherman, and Steve Hauschka do so well in the game. They did not get how John Ryan's punt could be blocked, which brought a lot of screaming and yelling. A great sigh of relief was heard when Jermaine Kearse fell on the onside kick to guarantee the win.

QB Derrek Carr of the Raiders showed he could be great one day. The old women thought he was too skinny and wondered what made him appear as though he had breasts. The old women who knew assured the other that that was the bindings used to keep his shoulder pads in place with the protective gear he has to wear.

They sounded relieved.

The old women know it wasn't a nice win. Old women take victories where they find them, nice or not. That is what they learn just by living long enough.

The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 10

A tough week in Creeperville. 0-3 for my Russell Wilson led teams. My Peyton Manning and Demaryius Thomas based team won, holding my lead atop Bethanie's league.

The moral: it's better to have your quarterback gunslinging from behind than coasting ahead of a team he's sure he'll beat.

But creep on creepin' on. I still have the #4 spot in my free Euro league. In Nate's league, I'm holding tight to my #3 position. I'm still in #4 in Andy's league by a mere half game. No time to freak out. Still in the playoffs across the board. Keep streaming the best defense and snagging free agent W/R/Ts. Keep faith in my quarterback.

In woulda-coulda-shoulda news, I would have won in the Euro league had I hung onto Miami's D. But who thought they'd shut out the Chargers? Let me go back and edit last week's Report to show that I knew it all along.

I got blown out in my other 2 leagues. Nothing I could have done would have helped. In Nate's, every player on my bench had a bye.

With no regrets, let's get into 10 things about fantasy football and things we can smoke while watching.

#1 Does Your Team Need More Boobie?

When Anthony Dixon came from the San Francisco 49ers to the Buffalo Bills, his team-mates started calling him "Boobie" after Boobie Miles from Friday Night Lights. The name grew in popularity with fans until it was officially switched from Anthony on the team roster.

Whatever you call Mr. Dixon, you can now call him the starting running back for the surprising 5-3 Bills. Coming off a bye, they face a Kansas City Chiefs team that leads the league against the pass but is 19th against the run with 116.1 yards allowed per game. They give up 4.7 yards per carry.

With CJ Spiller on injured reserve and Fred Jackson questionable to play, that gives Boobie and Bryce Brown the rock. Dixon's only gained 639 yards in 4.5 seasons so far, but a starting back is a starting back.

#2 Denard "Auto-Flex" Robinson

Coming out of Michigan as a quarterback, the NFL didn't know what to do with Robinson. The Jacksonville Jaguars played around with him as a kick returner, wide receiver and running back. Last year he threw one pass, caught none and carried the ball 20 times for 66 yards.

Suddenly over the last 3 games he has 57 carries for 329 yards and 2 scores. Better yet, he's still listed as a hybrid WR/RB. Auto-Flex. Last week I used him as a WR. This week I'll start him at RB. Useful.

He's a big play waiting to happen and one of the only good offensive things happening for the Jags.

#3 Giant's Offense

Should be written as "0ffense" except I'm not sure you can tell I used a zero instead of an O.

Out west, I don't get much chance to see the Giants play. Monday Night, it was obvious their passing game is a wreck. But go go gadget garbage time. Eli Manning still ended up with 359 and 2 scores with amazingly no interceptions. Odell Beckham Jr. (ODB's son to me) grabbed 8 for 156. All of that was much too late in a blowout that ended 40-24 somehow.

Eli's passes and receivers were never in the same place. Rueben Randle still hasn't figured him out. The defense that was lit up by the Steelers was confusing to the Giants.

Coming to Seattle next week, I don't feel good about anything NYG. I may still have to start Old Dirty's kid, but I hope not to. Boom or bust indeed.

#4 Speaking of Seattle's Defense

Always watch the transactions of your league-mates. You might see that someone dropped Seattle for Darren Sproles so they could start Philadelphia against Houston. Snag.

The Seahawks are showing why you shouldn't go nuts and draft a defense early. But as a free agent grab to play the Raiders at home? Thanks. Best matchup of the year for them. Sure, they gave up too many points to Al Davis' zombies, but they were handed 3 turnovers and a touchdown.

And I'll take them at home against the Giants, too.

Other defenses this week? I like Dallas against Jacksonville and Pittsburgh against the Jets. Do you think Mark Sanchez isn't Mark Sanchez? If you think he still is, take Carolina against Philadelphia.

#5 Return of the Butt Fumble

I was working at a huge sports bar at the time of the infamous Sanchez moment. I'd heard a lot of noises during football games at that place, but I'd never heard the whole joint fall out laughing until then.

But that was then. Sanchez did just win the game against Houston after Nick Foles busted a collar bone. He threw for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns plus 2 interceptions. He's bound to turn it over a couple more times at least versus Carolina.

You probably have to start Jeremy Maclin in case he catches another bomb or two. Don't feel good about it. LeSean McCoy is still Shady, but I don't like much else Eagle-flavored this week.

#6 All Brain and No Heart

I keep reminding myself to play fantasy football with my head only and keep the heart separate. I'm wondering now if I always do that.

Having Russell Wilson in three leagues is a smart move regardless of the fact I love that team. Being pessimistic about Percy Harvin as a Jet rather than a Seahawk I think is logical.

Saying his first game in New York would be the best game of the rest of his career? I was trying to get a reaction. Sometimes you need to be bold to be heard, like in the 90s when I used to say the internet was a myth and computers didn't work.

Look at me now.

Maybe my Harvin call is correct if I really meant this week. I figured the Jets would feed him the ball to prove they made a good trade. With 11 catches for 129 in a blowout loss, they did it this week. I benched him for Rueben Randle and I was wrong. Didn't cost me the game, but maybe I was getting emotional.

Putting hindsight behind me where it belongs, let's look at this week. At home against a red-hot Pittsburgh offense, the Jets might do it again. Harvin may barely average 10 yards a catch and be held scoreless one more time, but he'll be a good play especially in PPR.

He gets the start over Rueben this week.

#7 Ben Roethlisberger's 12 Pack

Will this keep up? How often can a guy throw 6 touchdowns? The Jets are second-to-last in the league surrendering 28 points a game. It just might keep up.

Antonio Brown is one reason I'm leading Bethanie's league. Martavis Brown and Markus Wheaton are both worth starting if you need them. This could be another mauling. Big Ben could leave New Jersey with Rex Ryan's job.

#8 I Will Miss You, Serie N

I believe the La Gloria Cubana Serie N was the first cigar I ever reviewed on the Creeper Report for The Penalty Flag. They've taken the page down, so I'll never know.

I just smoked the last one in my humidor. A little melancholy.

Yet I'm reminded why the 5.5" 54 gauge JSB is my favorite cigar of all time. Once again, a bit of pepper smoothing into an earthy leatheriness like a favorite bomber jacket. No bitterness. Meaty. This is the reason I fell for oscuros.

And this is why you need a good humidor and must let your favorites rest. It took me well over a year to go through 10 of these. I only grabbed them for special occasions. But tonight? Maybe just because.

After more than a year, it was softer, more complex and more intense than ever. Grabbed me by the boo-boo, it did.

One more lesson: keep an eye on your favorite smokes on multiple sites. Everything goes on sale from time to time. I got 10 of these way back when for $39.99 plus a $10 gift card.

The Serie R Black and the Wavell Maduros are also great. LGC makes fine big rich cigars at good prices.

Watch for a Serie N sale for me, will you?

#9 Continuing the Freelance Dance

Heading into my third month as a part-time freelancer, I'm hunting for bigger fish. Snagging $20 or $30 bits and pieces is fine, but I need a real jobby-job.

Sure, I can write about just about anything, but I should stick to what I know. And that's not even football.

I've racked up some experience as an NFL writer, but I've been in the restaurant business much longer. I know more about the game than most managers you'll meet (except for mine, who happen to be geniuses) so if I'm going to be an expert at anything, it's that.

How to organize your staff, what to cook, what to pour, what not to do, how to prepare yourself and how not to get fired. Learned it all, hard way and otherwise.

I need to find someone who values that and will pay me to teach it. I don't want to run all over a restaurant until my plantar fasciae are filled with micro-tears again.

Furthermore, when my son starts going to school 5 days a week, I don't want to head to work as soon as he gets home.

I want to move away from writing jobs that take only an hour or two. I want something more permanent.

#10 Brady Versus Manning Forever

 Take my record. Chase

Brett Favre. My team doesn't care.

We just lit yours up.

Good luck and happy creepings.

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Pink Panthers

Contributed by Kathe Frahm

Old women aren't too big on miracles. So, when they think they see one, it is unexpected.

Russell Wilson to Luke Willson in the final seconds TD of the Seattle Seahawks game in Carolina for some of the women qualified as a miracle.

There were only 4 women in the rec room for this game. Some had had their fill of disappointment and did not want to wish too much for a win. The food selection was sparse though one old woman brought coffeecake to bake in the rec room. The smell of baking was comforting. Potato chips, microwave popcorn and Halloween candy was all the snacks and even that wasn't eaten much.

As a vocal group, the old women were disgusted with the Panthers' QB Cam Newton and yelled unkind words every time he looked at the field camera and swaggered off with look-what-I-did gestures. The old women wanted the Seahawks to win if for no other reason than to see that smirk wiped off his face.

It was a hard game. The old women were getting quieter through each of the first 3 quarters. They just knew their boys would bounce back in the 4th. At least that was the hope. When Russell was sacked, when the Hawks were intercepted and did not score a TD in their drives downfield, they cheered loud and strong for Kicker Steve Hauschka to at least get something on the scoreboard. They did not expect he would break his own distance field goal distance with a nearly perfect 58 yards. Again many comments were made about him not only being a good kicker but also very pleasant to look at.

Halfway through the 4th quarter, one of the 4 old women said she couldn't stand the way this game was going. She was going up to her apartment to pick up the sewing on her Christmas projects for the grandkids. The others could understand, but they hung in. She took a few chips and some coffeecake with her.

With the abrupt removal of the troubled Percy Harvin, Doug Baldwin and Luke Willson were placed by their handsome surfer boy coach Pete Carroll with Marshawn Lynch to carry the ball. Add the yardage gained by Robert Turbin and the old women began to have a happier outlook. The Panthers saw Baldwin as the logical replacement for Harvin and mistakenly discounted Willson to receive the ball. He did struggle but was able to catch Russell's brilliant pass for the last seconds game winning TD. Yelling and screaming and cheering for their boys is what the old women do best. They even heard the one old woman who went up to sew, screaming on her way down in the elevator.

So the now 4 old women hugged and kept up the yelling for a long time. Mostly the final look on the Panther QB's face was worth this anxious, worrisome game. Old women know the arrogance lesson always gets learned. Cam Newton should benefit from this opportunity.

The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 9

None of it was easy to watch. Nothing came without struggle and stress. It was like watching a monkey order sushi.

But the Seattle Seahawks won and The Creepers went 4-0. Three of my teams did it with below average numbers from Russell Wilson. The other team did it with sub-superhuman performances from Peyton Manning and Demaryius Thomas.

(My son called him Delaryius. I told him it was Hilaryius.)

Never forget about the unusual rules. Bethanie's league (which features PP-Everything including kick return yardage AKA the league that made Jordan Todman the #3 overall RB in Week 4 thanks to 174 kick return yards) allows only 4 roster moves a week and has a bench of only 4 players. I'm a guy who habitually makes a bunch of moves early in the week. I had to use my last roster move to replace Paul Posluszny at IDP. I was forced to choose between Reggie Bush or Trent Richardson at RB2. One of those guys put on a uniform this week. Neither played.

Thanks to Antonio Brown, all was forgiven.

After 8 weeks, The Creepers are 5-3, 6-2, 5-2-1 and 7-1. My worst record is in my only free league.

So you should listen to at least a tiny bit of what I have to say.

Ten things about fantasy football and the ripples it causes:

#1 Time to Dump Percy Harvin?

Last week I declared that Week 8, 2014, would be the best game of the rest of Percy Harvin's career. 50 total yards on 7 touches? Yup, that could be it. The quarterback he left Russell Wilson for threw 3 picks in 8 passes in the first quarter and got yanked forever. Michael Vick is starting next week. The New York Jets are a train wreck that crashed into a dumpster fire.

Pick a team. Any team. Could Percy have gone to a worse team? You know I hate the Oakland Raiders, but even they have a good young quarterback and acknowledge that they're rebuilding. Rex Ryan thinks the Jets are good enough and finally realized yesterday he has no QB of the future.

This was the worst move possible for Percy. He'll realize that within days, pull a Randy Moss/Oakland Raiders and shut himself down for the rest of the season. He'll try to stay healthy, get cut and look for a new team next year.

Meanwhile, it was...

#2 The Best Move for the Seahawks

Being the defending champs predicted to repeat just didn't suit that team. They won the Super Bowl because no one thought they could and they went to work every day to prove everyone wrong.

After Gregg Easterbrook of Tuesday Morning Quarterback pointed out that a 3-3 team had a 1% chance of winning the Super Bowl, the Seahawks were again in familiar territory. When an underdog gets on top, it gets lost.

Last year began with a dirty 12-7 win in Carolina. Seattle spent the rest of the year scratching and clawing for respect. This week's 13-9 victory over the same team, also capped with a late Russell Wilson touchdown pass, should start another run for redemption.

Coming along with all the Harvin fallout is more blah-blah about locker room discord, including talk about Russell not being black enough, working too hard and being the coach's pet.

Anyone complaining about the franchise quarterback working too hard and being tight with the coach can go look for pirate treasure at the bottom of the Puget Sound. As for not being black enough? Sounds like the sort of stereotyping successful black men resent. I'm as white as a sack of flour, but that statement doesn't sound right.

My time in the unrewarding world of sports writing has taught me that writers need to write. Today and now. Their words, whether true or not, need to cause sparks and flames to be valuable. Otherwise they're just more bubbles in the waterfall that is the internet.

It was true about me and it's true about most of them: they don't know anything except what bounces around the web. They seize on a quote, a stat or an inference and try to make it go viral before anyone else does.

I tried it. Can you believe I wasted your time with this? But I had to. Forced to write every day, I tried to be TMZ Jr.

Good win, Seattle. I promise to ignore as much digital pulp as I can.

#3 Running Backs You Should Be Watching

I try to avoid New Orleans Saints running backs. Drew Brees has that annoying habit of being very good at passing and spreading the ball all over. You never know who's getting fed that day. But now because of injuries, Mark Ingram is getting his chances. He exploded on Green Bay for 172 yards. The Saints get the Panthers thursday night. With a short turn around, I expect Ingram to remain hot and New Orleans to stay with him.

I try to avoid New England backs for nearly the same reasons. Bill Belichick is tough to predict. Jonas Gray dominated the run game, but Shane Vereen is just as likely to get the ball next week against Denver. The Patriots will find themselves in a shootout and Tom Brady will be throwing rather than handing off. I'd hate to have to roll the dice on Gray or Vereen.

Lorenzo Taliaferro keeps getting the dirty work while Justin Forsett gets the flashy stuff. Bernard Pierce is getting spoonfuls of Alpo. Lorenzo is one injury away from bubbling to the top in Baltimore.

Theo Riddick, a converted wide receiver, did his best Reggie Bush impression while Reggie was out. He'll continue that role if Bush does not mend soon. The Lions have a bye this week, so Week 10 may not be Riddick's, but keep an eye on him.

#4 My Fantasy Fantasy League

I dream about a fantasy league of the absurd. One in which you attempt to predict the most ridiculous and undesirable things.

You would have a penalty team on your squad that would earn you points based on number of penalties allotted, penalty yardage and points called back due to penalty.

You wouldn't select a team defense, but an offense. Your defense would be whoever was playing against your offense. I'm taking the Raiders in the dynasty version.

You'd get points every time your player appeared on "C'mon, Man" or "Not Top Ten".

You'd get points for dropped passes and interceptions.

Wardrobe malfunctions, definitely.

Injuring yourself while celebrating would earn huge bonuses.

Of course you'd have a punter.

How should we award points to your cheerleading squad?

But who would host such a league? I'm not flashing back to the early days of fantasy sports and doing all the math with a newspaper.

What other absurdist categories could we use?

#5 Defenses I Like

Thanks, Miami, for mauling the Jaguars in all 4 of my leagues. Did anyone notice me looking smart for a minute? But it's time to move over, Dolphins. You get San Diego next. Welcome to Dropsville.

The answer to the obvious next question is Cincinnati. I'm picking them up everywhere I can. The Bengals play better at home and should mow Jacksonville down.

If Kansas City is free in your league, grab them because they get the Jets. At least the Jags are trying.

Cleveland versus Tampa Bay is worth a shot.

Not many other juicy match-ups this week. Many of the lousier teams are playing defenses already largely owned. Seattle at Oakland? Tasty.

#6 Wide Receivers You Should Be Watching

Martavis Bryant may have been a lucky recipient of a freak Ben Roethlisberger game, but the rookie is working his way more and more into the game plan. The Steelers even have a package featuring him in the backfield. They want to get him the ball.

Donte Moncrief made 7 grabs for 113 and a score playing catch-up with the Steelers. Andrew Luck and Eli Manning could get slingy. With Reggie Wayne less than 100%, Donte could remain in the sun.

Andrew Hawkins just keeps catching passes. 36 for 470 but only one score. He's a small slot guy at 5'7". I have a blind spot for the Browns. I haven't wanted to believe in them all year. But Hawkins is staying in the picture.

Odell Beckham gets to start opposite Rueben Randle. Fresh off the bye, he could make an impact against Indianapolis.

#7 Players I'm Not Getting Back Yet

Rashad Jennings is still recovering from his knee issue. After the bye, he still may not play against the Colts. That leaves rookie Andre Williams in a choice role. He'll be riding with me this week.

Montee Ball may be back for Week 9, but Ronnie Hillman's success has hurt Ball. His hands and breakaway speed have fit perfectly into Manning's attack. Ball may be relegated to goal-line vulture when he returns.

The Lions have been cautious with Calvin Johnson. After the bye, we should see caution get flushed and Megatron get back to business. I think Golden Tate continues to thrive.

#8 Victor Sinclair Comes To Visit

The big fat ones with the red band.

Fed up with my primitive sponge humidifier, I finally decided to go with a Xikar Gel Jar. In order to qualify for a $5 discount, I needed to spend $25. After much hunting and searching, I selected a Victor Sinclar 10 cigar sampler.

They were less than $2 a pop, delivered. I'm intrigued. An array of oscuro, maduro and corojo sticks with one Connecticut lancero. Mostly my type with some variety thrown in.

The first to ignite was the Cabinet 99 Red. It's a chubby boy, at 5.7" and over 60 ring gauge. Not the deep earthy style that is my true love, but leathery and rich with a certain tea-leaf flavor without being too herbal.

I liked it, but it didn't burn great. I had to touch it with the flame a few times to keep it even. Eventually it took on those stagnant flavors of a cigar not burning evenly and I chucked it before it reached my knuckles. Now, I did smoke it right out of the package. Cigars always burn and taste better after some time in the box.

Fortunately, 2 came in the sampler. I'll let it sit for a couple months and revisit.

#9 86 the Rub Gets its First International Order

My sister-in-law and her husband (aka Shark as Muffie and Vinor Bastards of the East Crown league) just had a little daughter in Prague. We sent them a package of gifts. One request they had? Some of my barbecue rub.

I buzzed them up a batch and sealed it in a zip-loc bag. I wonder what the dogs at the airport thought about that. Get a deep whiff of that chili powder, Fido. Maybe smugglers are getting creative, mixing sea salt and ginger with their drugs.

I use the stuff for everything. I have photos ready to post a recipe for Three Shadows Chicken Thighs. I just haven't got around to it. Then a Writer Access client was looking for easy football snack recipes. I'm going to give them a version of that recipe. I just need a football name and theme other than Three Shadows.

If you're fast, you can help. I'm writing it up tonight. Give me a title. Touchdown Chicken Thighs? Too easy. Help me out.

#10 Still Picking on Percy

Wanna be a Jet:

I can catch Geno passes

For fifteen minutes.

Good luck and happy creepings.

Honorable mentions for the featured sushi monkey image: