The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 6

All I wanted for my birthday was for Russell Wilson to play out of his mind, win a big game for the Seattle Seahawks and single-handedly save my canister in fantasy football.

Thanks, dude.

I did not want Percy Harvin to have a ridiculous 3 touchdowns called back to prevent me from losing a silly fantasy football game.

But it happened.

The Creepers were 3-1 this week, with the only loss in my free league. To my sister-in-law, who has a little baby even younger than mine. She deserves it.

So I sit with two 4-1 teams, one 3-1-1 and a 3-2. I'll take it, but I need to stay crunchy. This is no time to get soggy.

It is time for ten things regarding fantasy football, non-fantasy football and non-fantasy non-football.

#1 Is Percy Harvin a Fantasy Monster Yet?

Or is he an imaginary fantasy football monster?

Somehow with all the times Harvin had the ball and looked dangerous with it, he still managed only 34 real yards on 6 touches. His first giant breakout game is yet to happen. Or did it already happen?

Had either the 16 yard touchdown in the 2nd quarter or the 26 yarder on the next play and the 41 yarder in the 4th quarter counted, he'd be looking at 91 yards and 2 scores.

People would be throwing ape dung at each other in excitement.

Instead, fantasy owners were throwing their own hair into the sky.

#2 Riding the Kirk Cousins Coaster

What to do with a quarterback who put up terrible numbers between two good games? Assume the young guy is improving. Look at his most recent performance.

283 yards and two scores with no turnovers against the Seahawks' defense? He should be proud of that. His deep passes looked good and he made no bad decisions. DeSean Jackson looks healthy and dangerous.

Against Arizona this week, I think he plays solid. If you're looking for a Drew Brees bye week replacement, you could do worse.

Furthermore, while I like Teddy Bridgewater's guts and future, Cousins has more seasoning and talent around him. Teddy faces Detroit this week, who's defense is a bit tougher and offense is more likely to put the Vikings in a hole.

#3 Believe or Not Believe in Repeats?

Of last week's big performances, who do I think will and will not repeat?

Will - Branden Oliver, RB San Diego. Especially if Donald Brown doesn't recover from his concussion. Even if Brown does play, I think Oliver finds plenty of meat against the Raiders and Brown has not looked very explosive this year.

Won't - Austin Davis, QB St. Louis. He won't repeat the gun-slinging performance he had against the Eagles. San Francisco will play a much tighter game with a final score in the teens. Looking for a quarterback? Think Ryan Tannehill instead.

Will - Andre Ellington, RB Arizona. The Pigskins had trouble with Russell Wilson's elusiveness. They'll have problems with Ellington, too. Expect a couple of big breakaway dashes.

Won't - Greg Olsen, TE Carolina. The Bengals got embarrassed and their defense won't look that bad again. They only play lousy in prime-time and in the playoffs. Olsen's line against Chicago looks very ordinary if you subtract the touchdowns. I'd prefer Delanie Walker versus the Jaguars.

#4 Good Service Dog, Great Service Dog

Somehow, for some people nothing in the restaurant industry is more terrifying-to-the-point-of-immobility than a service dog.

It's a touchy subject. Rumor has it you can be sued to the ground for questioning anyone about a service animal. They don't require any documentation nor can you ask about it. They are much more than simply seeing-eye dogs. A service dog can be a comfort to someone with social anxiety.

I've heard of, but never seen, service ponies. I've been told any creature can be a service animal. Is that your service earthworm? Yes, this is my service earthworm and I'd appreciate it if service trout would stop staring at it.

Therefore, some restaurant managers are totally unwilling to question anyone who brings a dog into the establishment. Less scary to have a machine gun in your lap than a terrier.

Service dogs are some of the most professional creatures I've ever seen, humans included. I know of a seeing-eye golden retriever working for a regular bar guest who was so silent and attentive, you could drop a drumstick on his nose and he wouldn't budge.

Last night a very obedient black lab was silently curled in the shadow of his master's chair. My greatest accomplishment of the shift was not stepping on him.

Once a small dog with a red service animal vest came into the house with a couple. As I greeted them, the dog was anxious and yappy. I was thinking it was the worst-behaved service dog I'd ever seen.

In a minute or so, the couple left. The man said they might come back later, but she was about to have a seizure.

How do dogs know these things?

To sum things up, take your alligator and the card of a lawyer to a restaurant and sit wherever you like. If they question your service-gator, start dialing the lawyer's number. They'll let you be.

#5 Defenses I Like

Last week, I actually did good with my predictions for San Diego and Pittsburgh. I also said if Bridgewater does not play, go with Green Bay. I didn't act on it personally and was kicking myself until Sunday, but no regrets now.

Offenses to pick on? Rams, Vikings, Jets and Jaguars. That means go with San Francisco, Detroit, Tennessee and Denver.

Somehow, Philadelphia keeps getting non-offensive touchdowns. Those things are streaky, but they can happen against the Giants.

And San Diego gets Oakland this week. Delicious. I'm sticking with them.

Pittsburgh against Cleveland is worth holding onto as well.

#6 There is No Poetry at the Poetry Slam

As I am fond of saying, and no one is fond of hearing, poetry is a written art form and competitive open mike is a performance art.

For the first time since May, I dropped in at the Slam again this week. It's as thrilling as it is frustrating. Performing from memory in front of a crowd is scary and fun. I'm getting better. The nerves used to screw with my memory. Yet I still can't earn a point. I usually fall into the bottom half and get cut from the second round.

And yet I also try to be as un-Slam as possible. I am not a diary-reader. I do not play the sick kid or sexual misdeed cards. Rather, I acknowledge I'm at a bar trying to entertain a crowd. I break out stuff like "She Scratch the Record" (a euphemism for female masturbation) or "10 Rules for Slam Poetry" including #1: This is not Poetry.

Getting a rise out of the crowd and getting points from the judges are not the same thing. I will simultaneously refuse to try to please them while expecting different results.

It's a maddening sport. By definition, readers are judged on creativity and performance. Yet I've been the only one to perform from memory before and finish 7 out of 8.

I've seen a 12 year old walk into a bakery, realize he was at a poetry slam and decide he wanted to do it. He stepped to the mike, spoke for 15 seconds about leaving his backpack by the door and getting in trouble for it. He finished in the top half while I got cut.

Thankfully, no one ever reads this blog because griping about slam scores is very bad form. No one will know I just did it.

#7 Other Pickups this Week

Andre Williams will be a good fill-in at RB while Rashad Jennings is out.

Likewise, Ronnie Hillman for Montee Ball.

I already mentioned Branden Oliver.

Grab Benny Cunningham and wait, if you have bench room.

I wouldn't play Tim Wright yet, but consider him becoming a Tom Brady favorite.

Roy Helu Jr. showed a lot of ability against Seattle. Facing a worse defense or in case of Alfred Morris injury, he could become a fantasy starter.

#8 You Deserve a Padron

Padron 1926 Series #2 Maduro 5.5" x 52.

I'm breaking away from my normal realm of cigars you can get for $3 or less if you work hard. I'm flashing back on something I had the pleasure of trying back when I worked for a cigar room.

Padron is one of the few expensive sticks truly worth the money. With cigars and many other things, a good name costs money. A great cigar with an unknown name is cheaper than a great cigar with a famous name. Certain brands like Rocky Patel and Arturo Fuente make consistently great stuff, but always charge top dollar. For my money, I choose La Gloria Cubana, My Father and 5 Vegas for value.

But Padron is truly worth $30 or more, if you got it. Their blends have a very dense, rich intensity. Compared to other smokes, there seems to be so much more in there. Their maduros are not simply leather and pepper. They're lighter yet fuller at the same time. Their spice is not the cinnamon/pumpkin-pie sort I just don't like. It's woodsy and aromatic and hard to place.

And the power is undeniable. I've heard it said that sometimes you just have to set a Padron down for a minute. They'll put a spin on you. Respect it. I've had to use both handrails to climb the stairs before. Nicotine rarely does that, but Padron will.

I still dig the 2000-7000 series for a budget Padron experience, but for special occasions or if someone else is buying, get a granddaddy Padron.

You're worth it.

#9 Are You Ready for Thursday?

Lots of blowouts this year or Thursday. I get the feeling Indianapolis will be on the handle end of a beat-down, with Houston on the mallet end. With Arian Foster and Andre Johnson both dinged up, I don't like Houston's chances of scoring much.

I like Dwayne Allen and Ahmad Bradshaw to do some damage along with the usual names. TY Hilton is streaky but this could be his game.

I like the previously mentioned defenses better, but you could do worse than the Colts. I get tired of looking up and computing Ryan Fitzpatrick's career turnovers, but it's similar to the number of snowflakes in a blizzard.

Trent Richardson will plod his way to double digits and Reggie Wayne will get his catches. Andrew Luck will be the star of my wife's Team Certik. That's Czech for "little devil" if you don't know.

#10 Closing with a Haiku

Three times? C'mon, man.

Percy Harvin touchdowns can't

Be against the law.

Good luck and happy creepings.

The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 5

But now the two conference champs must survive a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys...

The Simpsons, Episode 12, Season 10

"Sunday, Cruddy Sunday"

Well, I survived it, but it certainly was harrowing. I had between one and five starters out on each team. Nate's League where I was only missing Russell Wilson? I won. The others I lost, by margins of 1.26, 4 and fifty-something. My wife did the pummeling in the East Crown league.

The bright side? The worst of the byes should be over, except for in Nate's. My starting quarterbacks have had their week off. I'm 3-1 three times with a 2-1-1. It's a long year.

And Kathe Frahm is on a bye, also. She only writes after the Seahawks play. So if you've been enjoying her "Seahawks and Old Women" segments, track her down at The Penalty Flag and read some classics.

Once again, ten more things that interest me, excite me or befuddle me about fantasy football and the rest of the world:

1 - Unpainful Byes this Week: Miami and Oakland

We're not missing much with the Dolphins and Raiders taking a week off. I do appreciate Ryan Tannehill stepping up for my only winning team and posting 278 yards for 2 scores and 1 pick. He'll be a good bye week fill in next week. Keep an eye out. Keep an eye forward, rather and don't realize your bye needs on Tuesday.

Lamar Miller did score twice and total 67 combined yards on 14 touches. With Knowshon Moreno out, he's worth a start against the right team. Mike Wallace is still too streaky for my tastes, but if you got to...

And the Raiders are being the Raiders. 0-4 and just fired another coach. I can't think of a reason to own any one of them. My only question is: who's playing them? Week 6: San Diego. There's your defense already.

2 - Speaking of Defense

I like San Diego this week against the New York Jets. Sometimes Geno Smith shows some great flashes. He does have 5 fourth quarter comebacks in his career. But he always turns the ball over. He will again this week and that's central to fantasy yumminess.

I trusted Pittsburgh last week and got burned. My two close losses would not have been if Tampa just had the decency to stay terrible. But no, they had to stand up and play like professionals. Annoying. Yet I trust the Steelers again this week against the Jaguars. Blake Bortles threw 2 picks and 1 score for 253 yards last week. He needs to prove something before I choose not to pick on him. He hasn't much talent around him.

I choose not to pick on Teddy Bridgewater, however. He has more offensive talent and put in a very gutsy comeback drive against Atlanta. He did hurt his ankle but I think he'll be okay. Watch for it, though. If he can't play on Thursday, I'm all for Green Bay's defense. Otherwise, the Vikings can run it I think Bridgewater gets Cordarrelle Patterson more involved.

Philadelphia keeps getting big defensive and special teams plays. Touchdowns that way are fickle, but I don't believe Saint Louis will do much on offense.

Other than that, I don't see any obvious stinkers playing available defenses. Play your hunches and good luck.

3 - Arrowhead gets is Record Back

Seattle's CenturyLink field just had its title belt taken back by Kansas City fans. The old 137.6 decibel mark was crushed by a 142.2. Well, 12th Man, you know what you need to do.

Next home game is Week 6 against Dallas. Are the Cowboys better than everyone thought? The looked surprisingly good against the Saints, but I think Seattle is on another level.

Just wait for Tony Romo to start Romoing the ball all over the place and the crowd will eat him up.

143, please.

4 - Sorry about Kirk Cousins

If terrible teams won't stay terrible, why must players follow up a good game with a horrible one? Five turnovers? Washington needs to change the turf because Kirk Cousins just pooped all over it.

Hindsight would say don't trust a young quarterback until he's done it a few times. But that's just throwing darts over your shoulder. Good running back. Good receivers. 1-2 opponent who's only beaten the Texans. Something better should have happened.

Probably no one took it on the chin more than me. I'd have started him 4 times, but I could only get him in 3 leagues. I lost 3 times. The league with Ryan Tannehill I won. Tannehill 4 times would have equaled 3-1 instead of 1-3.

Cousins was dropped 107,000 times by this morning on Yahoo. When I went to double-check than number, it was over 109,000.

But South Park's "Go Fund Yourself"? Brilliant.

5 - Don't Forget KR Yardage.

Bethanie's league has some scoring that is weird to me. I don't mind it as long as I foresee the consequences and turn it into an advantage. 1 point per completion. 2 per catch. .5 per carry. I went QB-WR-WR-WR in the draft. It's been working out so far.

What I didn't adjust for is kick and punt return yardage. Late in the draft, when deciding between two guys, take the one who'll get you special teams points.

Looking at pickups early this week, I realize Jordan Todman, with 3 touches, is the #3 overall running back in the league. 3.6 points behind Jamaal Charles, who score 3 touchdowns. Todman was the #25 player in the league. Why?

174 return yards. No scores, but a lot of yardage. When your team gives up 33 points, you receive a lot of kickoffs. 6 kick returns and no punt returns for Todman. What ever happened to touchbacks?

How can we use this information? What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino? If you are in a KR yardage league and are considering starting Devin Hester, CJ Spiller, Andre Roberts or Cordarrelle Patterson, realize they could give you a special teams bump.

6 - Ain't Never Caught a Rabbit, but He Caught a Deer

I try to take my dog out to play frisbee daily. Oli's 60 pounds of Muttsky who needs to burn off energy. That's right: Muttsky. Part mutt, part husky. Love that dog.

Even better than chasing the frisbee is chasing deer. Often we go out after dark and we'll encounter deer nibbling grass at a nearby field. Oli will chase after if before it hops a fence and disappears. My dog's fast and agile, but he's not catching a deer, I always thought.

Last night he chased after one that hopped a fence. He ran through the gate and continued pursuit. I could not see them anymore buy I could hear them. The deer tried to clear another fence. I hear the chain-link rattle. Then I heard the sound a few more times. It must have been too tired to get over the 4 foot fence.

Then I heard a loud "pong" and nothing else but barking. I crossed the field to find my dog sniffing a twitching fawn. I ordered him to get away and sit. It appears that the fleeing deer had run headfirst into a fencepost, picnic table or the bleachers. Blood was coming from its mouth and it had marks across its skull.

After a minute or two it was still.

7 - Oh yeah, Fantasy Football

Pickups for this week:

Jerick McKinnon will be a quality part of the Vikings attack. He and Matt Asiata make a good lightning-thunder pair. Someone should have both those guys.

Heath Miller is healthy again and Ben trusts him. He keeps getting his hands on the ball. More than I can say for Delanie Walker, who I dropped. Tough call there, but I trust the Titans offense less.

Atlanta's finally treating Devin Hester like a dangerous offensive weapon. Chicago never got the hang of it. Combined with his potential for special teams scores, he's worth a spot especially in my KR yardage league.

If the Teddy show does go big in Minnesota, Jarius Wright will be a big part of it.

8 - Something About a Free Cigar

CAO America Potomac Robusto, 5" x 56 ring gauge.

I bought a bundle of 5 Vegas and a sampler for my approaching birthday. I opened the package and found 5 count Herf-a-dor in it also. I already have one. It's a handy travel case. I put my phone and keys in it when I go fishing because it's water tight and crush-proof.

It wasn't on my invoice. Must have been a happy mistake. It was heavier than I expected. I opened it to find a Xikar lighter and 5 CAOs.

This stuff never happens to me. The errors always go the other way.

I don't normally gravitate to CAO cigars. I've had a couple. CAO's are always unique and perhaps that's the problem. Every cigar is trying to be something, like the Flathead or the Concert. And I usually don't trust a brand that spends time with flavored or infused cigars.

I do dig the Mx2, however, just not everyday. It's distinctly a black pepper flavor. One of the only cigars I'd smoke while eating a steak.

Anyway, the America was a happy accident. A nice broad size with a very even burn. A rich, leathery maduro taste I liked a lot. Very smooth right down to the fingers. I'm very glad to have them.

Happens to have a very cool double wrapper: a natural inside a maduro in a pinstripe style. A thin ribbon of the lighter wrapper spirals around the cigar.

9 - Two-Headed Monster Report

After LeSean McCoy and Darren Sproles both went off in Week 2, they both disappeared. McCoy is too good to stay gone, but I think Sproles will be too streaky to play barring injury to the first guy. But, like Mariah Carey, I can't let go.

Jamaal Charles and Knile Davis threw a nasty one-two combination at New England this week. I want to see Alex Smith have another huge day with that offense before I become a believer. This team faded last year. Davis, unlike Sproles, is a legitimate power runner and goal line back. Play him if you're in real need.

In New York, Chris Ivory is looking powerful and fast while Chris Johnson is just looking tentative. I like Ivory to start anywhere, anytime. I like watching old CJ2K highlights.

10 - Your Haiku

Two-forty rushing

From Who's That, Who's Him. AD

Ponders his switch-hand.

Good luck and happy creepings.

Seattle Seahawks and Old Women: Bronco Sugar Cookies

contributed by Kathe Frahm

The old women straggled into the rec room at the home for the Seattle Seahawks game. One of them had baked a plate of horse-shaped sugar cookies with orange frosting . She said some extra luck couldn't hurt and just couldn't think of eating horse meat.

Denver Broncos QB Peyton Manning, not an old women favorite, was at once the heart of the old women's ridicule His 36 year old spaghetti arm was worse and his hairline is receding, and his arrogance of trying to look like the best player on the field didn't work. He was only among the oldest. And it showed.

The old women just roared when they realized that most of them were twice Peyton's age.

It was a game to to just settle back and cheer their boys on to victory...except for the last 41 second Bronco drive to tie up the score. As one, the old women screamed and groaned thinking this could not happen. They were not sure about the tie/overtime play rules.

Russell Wilson said after the game the interception he threw to hit Percy Harvin for an outside run was a learning experience. Russell thought he could thread a pass to Harvin but Bronco Chris Harris made the crucial interception.

The Bronco biased and annoying CBS game announcers stated often that Russell was too small and a 3rd round draft choice. Old women hate anyone who picks on their 'Hawks, especially Russell.

His final 80 yard drive some old woman said looked like pure Russell; keep moving forward and hang onto the ball just like Marshawn. In overtime with the 'Hawk's TD, the old women could breathe again. In between the screaming and laughing many offered proposals to Marshawn Lynch and Richard Sherman and Steve Hauschka ...again. It was noted that the Seahawks management better start saving up for what its going to take to keep Russell in Seattle.

The old women had many lascivious comments about their surfer boy coach, Pete Carroll. Old women don't care what others think about what they say. Just living long enough gives them the right to say what they please. They did worry that Pete wasn't chewing enough gum. Another home down the street said all the old women there were going to bring gum to chew for the next game...whether they had teeth or not. Many said they might have to nap in the afternoon as the Washington 'Skins game wasn't until 5:30PM
The old women made fresh coffee and the Bronco sugar cookies were passed around. Cookies are much better eating than horse meat.

The Creeper Report: Fantasy Football Week 4

It took until Week 3. The Creepers Fantasy Football Franchise suffered its first loss. Last week's Wonder Twins, LeSean McCoy and Darren Sproles, took the form of humans, combining for 72 yards and a fumble. I felt Danny Woodhead would be a good play until about 10:05. (Get well soon, Danny.) Randal Cobb's 29 yards plus Shane Graham's 2 extra points plus whatever Baltimore was calling defense equals a bad Creeper day. A 25 point loss to "da Expected Champions".

In other Creeper news, the other squads went undefeated in Week 3. I have two 3-0 teams, one at 2-0-1 and one at 2-1. The Creepers are staying the course.

Stay active finding depth at RB and WR. Keep streaming the best defensive matchup this week. Trust the experts and don't overthink anything.

Anyone see the Seahawks/Broncos game?

Ten thoughts for Week 4 about football, real or otherwise, and other gibberish:

#1 An Instant Classic

Russell Wilson versus Peyton Manning will be a rivalry on the level of Manning/Brady for as long as Peyton stays in the game. Grant us a February rematch, somebody.

A friend argued that this win, with Seattle recovering from Manning's final-minute strike and pulling together on the winning overtime drive, indicates the team is a step above the one that blew out the Broncos in the Super Bowl.

I concur. That game-winning drive builds a well of confidence the team can always drink from.

Remember that time Peyton Manning came out of nowhere to force overtime and we drove the ball right down their horse-throats? Let's do it again.

Russell had it all. Timely scrambles for first downs. Crisp passing off play action. And Beast Mode was in full growl.

I haven't felt this good since the Super Bowl. Now Seahawks and Broncos fans must suffer through a bye week.

#2 Bye Week Adjustments

I don't like the early bye week. I liked the Week 12 bye from last year better. Get the rest as close to the post-season as possible. Yet it isn't up to me so I'd better like it.

Arizona, Cleveland, St. Louis and Cincinnati also have the week off. So if you have players on those six teams, do you keep them or dump them?

I have Russell three times and Peyton once on my four teams. Yeah, they stay. Percy and Demaryius too.

Larry Fitzgerald is almost on my fence. Michael Floyd is looking like the Cardinals' #1 instead.

Cleveland will have Ben Tate healthy again, putting Terrance West and Isaiah Crowell back in the three-man platoon. I don't think anyone gets enough production to save.

Sure, Giovani Bernard is sticking around and AJ too. Jeremy Hill I'd hang on to. The Bengals' team is looking very real and they could support two backs. Marvin Jones will be healthy by Week 5, putting him and Mohamed Sanu in an iffy situation. It depends on your other receivers and the size of your bench.

Zach Stacy I'm keeping based on the fact that he's the most stable offensive piece on the team. Other Rams? I don't think so.

#3 I Told You the 49ers Would Suck

No need to point out the things I've said that are wrong. I was right when I said the Seahawks looked more stable than the 49ers. The team leads the league in penalties with 36 and has been out-scored 52-3 in second halves this year.

Jim Harbaugh spent the off-season wrestling for a contract extension the team wouldn't give him. Good luck with that this year.

And just like the NFL Championship Game, give Colin Kaepernick a chance to make plays and win the game, he'll get stripped or throw picks.

#4 Defenses I Like

My method for picking defenses is simple: note who the high scoring defenses played last week and see who's playing those victims this week.

Week 3 victims: Buccaneers, Jaguars, Jets, Packers.

Week 4 versus victims, in order: Steelers, Chargers, Lions, Bears.

I now have Pittsburgh versus Tampa Bay in all four leagues.

Detroit put on a surprising show last week against Green Bay. They should look even better against NYJ.

I don't think Aaron Rodgers and his crew get shut down again, so don't get excited about Chicago's D.

#5 Why I Don't Watch the News

You don't read me getting into politics or much outside my bubble of family, football, restaurants and writing. I don't care. I don't pay attention.

Most of all, I don't think I get the information straight.

Information is mostly delivered by one of a few sources competing against one another. Each one wants to gain the most attention when it shouts from the top of its roof. That's why no one makes money from good news. People tune in for the shocking, tragic and evil.

Furthermore I think government feeds the media the story as it wants it told. Do I know what's really happening in the Middle East? No. Neither do you. You know what you're told. That's it.

I don't know what's really going on in North Korea. Neither do you.

I don't know the true story of 9-11. Neither do you.

If you are on the ground in one of the world's hotspots and are close to those making the news, you know a pebble of the truth. I hope you get it out without getting shot and I hope someone believes you.

So I don't get excited over information I can't vet or filter. I don't sweat politics because they affect me, but I don't affect them. Fortunately, most of the crazy ideas politicians have never come to fruition. Thank you, checks and balances.

But my point eventually is, I should stop worrying about NFL news. I'll watch games and read statistics. Game recaps can't be spin-doctored too much. But what some source claims to know about what some guy did? Blah-bitty-blah.

What did Roger Goodell know and when did he know it? Did Steve Bisciotti try to cover up the Ray Rice thing or is Ray's camp saying anything necessary to start the reinstatement discussion? I don't know and neither do you.

Starting to sound like a court drama. Let's watch some football played by people not on the exempt list.

#6 The Kirk Cousins Effect

Somebody writing for one of the NFL sites I used to write for was attempting a drama about the quarterback controversy suddenly aswirl in DC. Who should the Pigskins start when RG3 is healthy again?

This is why sportswriting makes me ill sometimes. Writers must generate noise even if it's over nothing. OK, dude. Let's look at this argument: RG3 won't be healthy for weeks at the soonest. At that point, Cousins will have either excelled or failed. Until then, we can't discuss much.

We can talk about the situation at hand. If healthy, Cousins will start for most of the fantasy season at least. He may not throw for 427 again, but he'll throw it and he has good weapons. He may play from behind a lot. Pierre Garcon and DeSean Jackson will stay firmly in the picture.

I made the mistake of thinking DeSean's shoulder would outweigh his hate for the Eagles and I benched him. Didn't cost me the game, at least. He should be even better this week against the Giants.

Niles Paul could end up as a great TE grab until and maybe even after Jordan Reed returns to health.

Cousins is my fill-in for Russell and Peyton in 3 leagues.

#7 I Sold a Joke for $5

Writer Access has provided me with a crazy and sporadic range of writing opportunities. Recently, a cartoonist was looking for jokes he could use as single-panel gags. I pitched a few and he picked one:

A drunk wobbles into a bar and stumbles over a chair. The bartender points to a sign that says: "If you can't say Unacceptably Intoxicated then you're Unacceptably Intoxicated."

The drunk shakes his head and replies: "I'm not ceptanuptably zintosicated. Gimme a garmarita."

He liked it so much in increased my pay by 125%. I'd like that percentage all day. I earned $5.76 rather than the proposed $2.80 something.

#8 Cigar Review from the Oscuro Corner

Get on the mailing list for as many cigar sites as you can because some days you get stupid deals. Cigars International was running a 2 Buck Chuck event and, among others, was selling 5 Vegas Series A Apotheosis 15 packs for $29.99.

Yes, please. My birthday is coming up.

Always and also always search for coupon codes when buying anything online. For CI, you'll find a 10 cigar sampler for $8 you can add to any purchase. Include a 5 count Herf-a-dor for another $5. I have one, but I added the 10 pack, which included singles from Rocky Patel, Nestor Miranda and (my new favorite cigar name) Jesus Fuego.

I just might start using that name in vain. Jesus Fuego! Will you just throw it to DeSean?

Back to the cigars. I purchased another 5 Vegas Series A before: the 4.5"x44 Anomaly. My only knock against it was that the narrow gauge made it taste too hot and peppery.

So when I got a chance to buy its 5.5"x55 big brother, I pounced.

It lacks the cedar sheath of the Anomaly, so the flavor is not so woodsy. It's a box-press, so the draw is firm and the burn is slow. It has the meaty, earthy, dark leathery flavors a good oscuro should have. The Anomaly hinted at these, but I tasted more of the peppery wrapper and less of the rich filler.

I like this smoke a lot. I like the whole line and still enjoy an Anomaly for those short-attention-span sessions. You need a little guy in the lineup. But the 5.5"x55 box press is a very nice vitola for this blend.

You can't get them for $2 anymore, but 10 packs are $60 or less. They're available in a range of sizes. I'd like to sink my lungs into a 6"x58 Apocalypse one day.

#9 Haiku for Sale

I just got involved with Fiverr.com, a site specializing in $5 freelance jobs. It takes a lot of $5 jobs to make a living, but some people make five figures working for them. You can grow into larger paying jobs and build your reputation.

Look at the last post to see how I've become a word whore.

Asking myself what I could do for 5 bucks, I decided I could give a lucky buyer 17 syllables of 86 goodness.

But don't just dedicate one to your bonsai tree. Give one as a gift, or a joke, or a compliment, or a prank. Have fun with them. I do.

Get your own haiku from me here.

#10 But this Haiku's Free

Last year with the Penalty Flag, I included a weekly limerick. This year, I'm going haiku. Next year, if wealth gives me the time, I'll give you a five act Shakespearian comedy or tragedy every week.

Marshawn gazes down:

One yanked dread on the turf. Vows

Overtime vengeance.

Good luck and happy creepings.

My Pen is on the Street, Hooking

"What can I get for five dollars?"

"Everything you want."

"Everything?"

"Everything. As long as it takes less than a quarter hour."

I am a word whore. I'll do it all for money. From the American Revolution to Flipped Classrooms, I'll take it all and I'll take it deep.

But it's only because I like it. I enjoy stretching myself to engulf new topics. I like to spread wide and expose my verbal flexibility. I'm not happy until I've serviced as many clients as possible.

My new john is Fiverr.com, who asked me what I was willing to do for five bucks.

Everything you want, I replied.

Please be more specific, it suggested.

How about a haiku?

Too boring and formal.

How about a zombie haiku, John?

I only have eyes

For you. The hearts were too ripe.

They were out of brains.

Okay, but I get to keep one dollar.

It seems I've just been pimped. At least he was honest about it.

Before I go take a shower and burn my keyboard, please investigate my offer of a haiku from Fiverr.

Share it. Think of who needs one. Don't get all pastoral about it. I will do one about blossoms in spring, but I'd prefer one zinging your ex-boss. Or taunting your ex-lover. Or pranking your room-mate.

You spend $5 on less. Buy something that will last. I promise to spend the proceeds on my 86 Logo tattoo. You could be permanently imbedded in my skin.

https://www.fiverr.com/s/65vdjp